This month is the 15th anniversary of my dad's death. 15 years. I am nowhere near the same person that I was when he died, being that I was only 7 years old. There are many milestones in my life, large and small, that my father has missed and will continue to miss.
I'm not sure what is worse: having to grow up without a father or continuing to experience life without him. The last little milestone he was there for was when I learned to ride my bike without training wheels. I don't even know if he was around when I lost my first tooth. That's how long it's been since I've seen my dad. He missed all of the grade school and middle school drama. He wasn't there to give me flowers after my first solo in the dance recital. He wasn't there to beat away the boys or comfort me after my first heartbreak. He didn't get to cheer me on at my tennis matches with my mom or give me pep talks when I needed it. He didn't get to watch me graduate high school or send me off to college. The last thing he experienced in my life was me riding my bike without training wheels.
Now, I'm about to graduate college in a few months. I'm about to enter the real world without training wheels. I'm pretty much done growing up and my dad missed all of it. Given he was watching from heaven, but that's not the same as personally being here. It's not the same thing at all. I can't hug a spirit when I'm feeling happy or sad. Someone in heaven can't walk me down the aisle on my wedding day or hold my children when they are born. It outright sucks that I have to come up with creative ideas so my dad is still included on my wedding day. It's not gonna be an easy day when I'm no longer younger than my own father. His life has ceased to continue while I'm still living, getting older each day. Quite frankly, it's shitty and I shouldn't have to live my young life without my father.
But that's just life — it's unfair. Unfortunately, I had to realize that at a very young age. That's what it's like to live so long without one of your parents. With all the curveballs that life throws at you, you just learn to say that life isn't fair and go on with your day. You keep living because ultimately, that's what they'd want for you. They will always want what's very best for you. That doesn't stop just because their life has stopped. One of the greatest life lessons learning to ride a bike will teach you is that when you fall down, it's gonna hurt and it sucks, but you just get right back up and keep pedaling. And that's exactly what living without my father has taught me.
