When I was 10 years old, I was diagnosed with a severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD as you may know it). My OCD never presented itself in the way the media and society makes it out to be, as in keeping things very neat and clean, obsessively washing my hands, or what have you. My OCD would come about in silent rituals, things I would do to prevent bad things from happening. This branch of OCD is called, “bad thought OCD”. I won’t go into detail about the extent of my compulsions and obsessions, but to give you some common examples of this form of OCD, say, someone would have to turn the light on and off 9 times or they would be convinced that their dog would die. Or, they would have to repeat a phrase such as “I might love my parents, but I might make them mad, but they love me” (utter nonsense) over and over for fear that if they do not, they will be sent to an orphanage. This disorder is traumatizing, debilitating, and often overlooked. I am extremely lucky that my parents took my disorder seriously and took me to an excellent psychologist (a counselor) and psychiatrist (a medical doctor); some of the best in the country. Unfortunately, not everyone is able to get this sort of help. One day, I pray we will live in a world where they do.
As time went on, by working with professionals, I developed strategies for conquering the OCD. My psychologist and I did a lot of what is known as “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” or, CBT, (yes, you probably learned about this in your “Intro to Psych” classJ) I would basically think about my worst fears, and then imagine them happening. By doing this, you take the power away from the thoughts, by facing them. This is a common method of therapy used to treat a variety of disorders, and I am a huge fan. In fact, I still use this method today.
I have always been extremely aware of myself; my body, my emotions, and my thoughts. This is one of the things that I love about myself, but it is also deeply troubling. My mom said that in preschool, I approached my teacher saying, “I’m feeling very anxious and I don’t know what to do about it”. What kind of normal preschooler says that? A weird one... Anyway, one day someone showed me a picture of the brain of a “normal” person, compared to the brain of a person with OCD. It clicked. I realized that my brain was structured differently. People with OCD’s brains are a little different. We have more active orbitofrontal cortexes, caudate nuclei, and basal ganglia. These things may all sound like a curse, but frankly, I am thankful. I believe that my psychologists and family say that I was born with an amazing capacity to love, to understand and read people, and to express myself. I think perhaps this could be to my weird brain and my OCD. If you think about it, it makes sense. Many “crazy “, passionate people have had OCD. Albert Einstein, Michelangelo, Beethoven, Michael Jackson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Darwin, you get the picture. I’m not saying I will ever live up to the impact of any of this people, but I think I might have traces of their passion. A 2011 study conducted by the Obsessive-compulsive and Tic Disorder Studies Centre (CETOCT) found that people with OCD don’t rely on their sensory perceptions or common sense but on their imagination. (ibtimes.com) Ok, so that’s not always a good thing, but, what can you do. We obsess about things we hate, things that are scary, things we don’t want to happen. But, that means that I throw my heart into everything I do love. I desire to love, to care and to create. I “obsess “ over a creative idea, a problem or injustice that I want to resolve. My mind is full of creative explosive energy. I stay up at night thinking about peace and freedom and Jesus along all the things I love and desire. When I get a burst of creatively or love, I cannot be stopped. I have a “compulsion” to create art, to dance, to sing loudly, to have good, deep talks with people. I have been told I “get to into things” or “care too much”, and it’s probably true. But it’s also probably true that I was given OCD for a reason, and life lived without passion is crazy to me.
This revelation is still new to me. I may be wrong. Maybe I’m just a weirdo who is too excited and emotional and silly. But maybe not. This curse that I call OCD may actually a blessing in disguise. I hope I will continue to grow in my abilities to conquer OCD throughout my life, as it will never really “go away”. However, I am in control of my OCD now, thanks to thousands of dollars, patience and love of my family and friends, and years of hard work. If the only side effect is more creativity, love, and passion, hell - I’ll take it.
