When Marvel first announced that it would be tackling the “Civil War” storyline from the comics in the third Captain America movie, I was not happy. The last thing I wanted was to see Tony Stark and Steve Rogers (Iron Man and Captain America, for those of you not in the know) tear my favorite superhero family apart. I also wasn’t sure how the story would be approached and completed in one movie, especially a Cap-centric one. I still don’t think it was the best move to make Civil War a Captain America movie; instead, it should have been an Avengers movie (preferably, instead of Age of Ultron). By confining the entire saga to a single Captain America movie, it condensed the issue and skewed things in Cap’s favor. If you hadn’t seen the other Marvel movies, you missed a lot; not just the references to previous events, but why Tony Stark takes the stand that he does.

I knew going into this that even no matter how much I hated the “choose a side” marketing, I relate the most to Tony Stark, so I knew I would probably side with him if it came down to it. Still, I love Cap (he was the first Avenger I called my “favorite”—if 2012 me could see me now!) and admire him as a character, so I went in to the movie with an open mind. Even so, I came out of the movie feeling that even though no one won the war, Tony definitely lost the most.

The first time we see Tony, he’s giving a presentation at his alma mater, MIT, using special technology to handle traumatic memories. The memory he uses to demonstrate this technology is the last time he saw his parents, Howard and Maria Stark, before they were killed in a car accident less then a week before Christmas in 1991. He shows the students how he wishes his last conversation with his parents had gone; though he and his father didn't get along, he wanted to be able to say goodbye to both of them. After announcing to the students that all of their projects would be funded through The September Foundation (in honor of his mother), he quickly exits the stage. Alone in the hallway, a woman approaches him and accuses him of murdering her son, who was in Sokovia during the events of Age of Ultron. Tony, who is already suffering from extreme PTSD and survivor’s guilt, takes this to heart, and is determined to do something about it. The next scene he is in has Secretary Ross presenting the Sokovia Accords to the rest of the Avengers. The Accords are meant to keep the Avengers in check; they don't come from the US government alone, but 117 different countries who agree that there needs to be some kind of system of accountability for the team (earlier in the movie, Wanda Maximoff, aka Scarlet Witch, was using her powers to apprehend an enemy and accidentally caused an explosion, another reason for the Accords). After Ross leaves the team debates signing the Accords, and Tony brings up the boy who was killed in Sokovia, and reminds the team of the time he shut down the weapons manufacturing divines of Stark Industries once he saw that the weapons had fallen into the hands of terrorists. Steve, of course, disagrees that signing the Accords and accepting limitations would help.

Later, after Steve, his brainwashed friend Bucky Barnes, and T’Challa (Black Panther) are brought in, Tony faces increased pressure from Ross to get the other heroes to sign. Tony talks to Steve one on one, saying the Accords could be amended after they’ve signed, and they should all sign as a show of good faith. He even says he can get Bucky the psychiatric help he needs after being brainwashed and tortured for seventy years. During this talk, it is also revealed that Tony and his girlfriend, Pepper Potts, are taking a break. Tony says it’s no one’s fault and brushes away Steve’s concerns, but his expression shows how devastated he is that he lost her.

Though they butt heads at first when Steve mentions Howard Stark (Steve knew him in 1940, and Tony’s entire childhood was filled with mentions of Captain America, who Howard appeared to care about more than his own son. Tony is, clearly, bitter about this), Steve agrees to sign until he discovers that Wanda is being kept at the Avengers compound by the Vision, under Tony’s orders.

Now, Wanda lives at the compound on a daily basis anyway. Earlier in the movie, we even see her decorated room. She’s free to roam the grounds as she pleases, but Tony feared for her safety and the safety of those around her, and so she was told to stay there until the Accords were signed. Steve expresses his anger about this, but Tony protests that she doesn’t have a visa and could be deported if something were to happen. Steve, however, only sees this as the start of a new rigid set of rules around the team, and storms out. At this point, Tony seems on the verge of a breakdown. A few minutes after, he comments that his left arm is numb, his tie is off, and his top shirt buttons are undone. It’s been previously established that Tony suffers from anxiety and frequently has panic attacks; he looks like he’s having one now.

To prevent Ross from arresting Steve, Bucky, Sam Wilson, and the other members of Team Cap, Tony asks for another chance to bring him in. This is what leads to the airport battle scene, but before that epic showdown, Tony makes a pitstop in Queens to meet Peter Parker. He tells Peter that he knows his secret (I’m sure everyone knows Peter Parker is the hero known as Spider-Man) and asks him to help him out. He gives Peter an upgraded suit and better technology, and tells him to stay on the sidelines of the fight. He’s only supposed to “web” Cap and the other team to keep them from escaping.

Many fans from Cap’s side have complained that Tony shouldn’t have brought in a kid to fight the Avengers, but Wanda (who’s fighting with Steve) is not that much older than Peter, and she is a lot more engaged in the fight than he is. Also, Steve clearly isn't too concerned about Peter’s safety as long as Spidey’s in his way: he drops a bridge on him faster than you can say “Where in New York are you from?” Tony also keeps Peter on the defensive, and sends him home as soon as he gets tossed around a little too hard.

Besides having to fight his own former teammates, Tony also watches his best friend Rhodey fall out of the sky after being hit by a blast that was meant for someone else. Rhodey is paralyzed from the fall, and Tony is clearly devastated. As if that weren’t enough, a member of Tony’s team betrays him. Natasha Romanov (Black Widow) helped Steve and Bucky escape in a helicarrier. Even though Tony is obviously hurt by this, he considers Steve’s side (Bucky was being framed for terrorism and only he and Steve knew where to find the villain behind it, Zemo) and realizes that even though they disagree on the Accords, they both want to catch bad guys and they’re still teammates, so he ignores Ross and follows them both. He tells them he believes them and only wants to help, so they go off in search of Zemo. When they find him, he’s behind bulletproof glass, and he reveals that he lost his entire family—his parents, his wife, and his son—in Sokovia. He then plays a video from the night of December 16, 1991: the night Tony’s parents died in a car accident. Except the video tells a different story; it shows Bucky, as the brainwashed assassin the Winter Solider, causes their car to swerve off the road and hit a tree. He then approaches Howard as he struggles to get out of the car, and shoots him in the head. Maria can be heard calling out his name as the Winter Solider moves to the passenger side and reaches for her neck.

Tony, frozen in place, asks Steve if he knew. Steve replies that he did. Steve found out about the Starks’ deaths two years ago (in Captain America 2: The Winter Solider) and never told Tony (Natasha also knew and didn’t tell him, but Tony isn’t aware of that yet). This is what sparks the final battle; Tony, who is at this point completely emotionally spent, hits Steve and then attacks Bucky. While this isn’t the right way to handle the situation, it’s understandable why Tony is reacting this way. He’s lost everything, his girlfriend, his team, his best friend, and he sacrificed even more by going after Steve, only to find out that the man who’s been the source of so much of his frustration has been lying to his face for two years about the worst day of his life. So while violence wasn’t the right reaction, it’s the understandable one, but Steve doesn’t just try to hold Tony back. He and Bucky attack Tony together, beating him down. Bucky’s metal arm gets ripped off, and Steve, blinded by rage, pins Tony down and hits him over and over again with his shield, denting his Iron Man suit, destroying the reactor that powers it, and nearly taking Tony’s head off. Tony doesn’t fire or even react; with his helmet off, he just holds his hands in front of his face as Steve delivers the final blow to his chest. Finally, Steve walks away with Bucky, dropping the shield.

Later, Tony gets a letter from Steve that is obviously meant to be an apology, but still doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. While he acknowledges that he should have told Tony about his parents, he doesn't say that he was wrong for attacking Tony the way he did or apologize for all the frustration he caused by not signing the Accords. He tells Tony that he realizes the Avengers are his family, more than they are his (Steve’s), but this is just salt in the wound, as the rest of the Avengers are in prison (with the exception of Rhodey, who is now Tony’s only company), and the final scene implies that Steve intends to break them out. Steve tells Tony that they’ll be there if they need him and sends him a burner phone to prove it, but even that feels hollow. Tony needed him to listen, to be his teammate and his friend, from the minute the movie started. It’s too little, too late.

Despite my respect for Team Cap, I’m solidly on Team Iron Man. I cannot in good faith side with a man who would willfully ignore 117 countries and his friends for one person, especially when his friends were offering to help that person heal. Steve frequently discusses how important teamwork is (even berating Tony about in in Avengers 2) but thinks it’s okay to keep the secret of Tony’s parents’ deaths from him. If he had told him in a different environment, away from Bucky, Tony would have had time to process and reach the same conclusion he had earlier: that Bucky is not a villain, but someone who deserves a second chance. Bucky’s decision in a post-credit scene to go back into cryofreeze feels pointless; if Steve had listened to Tony when they discussed the Accords, Bucky could’ve gotten the help he needed. Fans know that Bucky will be back for the next Avengers movie, so there’s no emotional pull at losing him, and it invalidates Steve’s fierce battle to protect him; why destroy all your relationships just to save a man who’s going to render himself unconscious later? Tony knew there was a better answer, but Steve wouldn’t listen. While I respect his commitment to his morals, I can’t condone his actions in this movie. Tony was willing to compromise every step of the way, but he refused, and ended up losing the person he tried to hard to protect. At the end of the movie, neither side won, but Steve had the power to stop the war before it started. That’s not heroic, it’s selfish. He failed his friend and his teammate, and that is what I cannot forgive.