I’ve spent the last three years of my life painfully waiting for a relationship. I used to sit and wonder why I was single. I mean, c’mon, it’s been three years since I’ve even had a boyfriend. Am I really that awful? I’d hunt and search relentlessly to find the next contender until they all just blurred together. I associated love with happiness, something I was desperately seeking out. They must hate me. Why won’t anyone love me? What do I always do wrong? Surely it’s my own fault. I beat myself up until I was emotionally black and blue. I’d romanticize my friends’ relationships and pine after the boys who didn’t want me back. It wasn’t until actually a couple months ago that I began a sort of soul-searching journey. I can finally say I’m okay with being single.
I began thinking of what God could possibly be doing by keeping me single and so unhappy. I came to the conclusion that I have to learn how to stand on my own and be able to be happy without the aid of a boy. For me, that was the hardest part. As I mentioned before, I associated love with happiness. So I thought about that really deeply. What made me happy? I jotted down a list of things that brought me joy and didn’t involve anyone else. Music, art, weird Netflix shows, writing, even just simply enjoying the outside world and quite a few other things came to mind. So what did I do with this list? Them. I did them. And they made me happy. Success! Check self-sufficient happiness off.
Next, I asked myself what I needed from relationships that made me crave one so bad. I realized that this need stemmed from my insecurities. I needed a boy to tell me I’m pretty, I’m worthy and I’m important. I began giving the love I needed from a boy to myself. I told myself I’m beautiful. I told myself that I’m valued. I told myself that I’m needed in this world. It took a while for this method to actually work but the more I told myself these things, the more I believed it. As a result, I even began speaking kinder to others. With more positivity flowing through my veins, my outlook became more optimistic. I figured that when the timing was right, God would send me someone. Not a minute too soon, not a minute too late. Which brings me to my next insight: I need to slow down.
I decided my next relationship would be taken very slowly. If this is the man that God has in mind for me, he won’t be going anywhere. So why rush it? If this is supposed to be the great love of my life, I want to take it as slow as possible and be able to enjoy and cherish every moment. If you plant the start of a possible relationship and slowly nurture and tend to it then maybe, just maybe if you’re lucky enough, it’ll blossom into the greatest love.
What now? Well, I won't be waiting for a relationship anymore. I’ll be living my life and enjoying the experiences I have as a single woman. If a man comes along and positively adds to my life, then I will not shy away from it, but I won’t have expectations either. I’m personally ready for a relationship, but I’m not waiting.
