Have you ever done something that you love so much, that one thing where you want to feel that rush over and over again? That the moment you do it, everything just feels right, nothing else matters, and you want to revel in that energy forever. It's the one thing that no one ever could ruin for you and something that always makes your day brighter? It's that one thing you complain about how you sleep for it, yet it's the only thing you would rather be doing. For me, that thing is performing.
Most people when they get on stage get chills and stage fright. They can't stand the thought of being in front of those people in an element that isn't them. They feel like they're suffocating, and everything that they're doing is being judged and scrutinized. They feel the need to be perfect, and if they're not they're just a humiliating embarrassment. The world is closing around them; they can't focus on anything but the sounds of their breath. They are trapped in their own minds, insecurities, and fears.
That's not what it's like for me.
Yes, during the moments where I'm standing behind the curtain right before I go on stage or the minutes right before a performance I feel this insatiable anxiety and fear, but I don't while I'm on stage. Behind the curtain, I'm myself. In front of it, I'm whatever character I'm portraying. The beauty of theater and performing is that I can be whoever I want to be, whatever way best suits the character and/or the director's vision. I take intricately written characters, and I turn them from ideas on pages to tangible, moving people.
I get to be myself 24/7 365 days out of the year, but during those exceptional hours where I'm acting and performing, I step outside of my life and transform into someone different. Every worry and fear or dream and ideal suddenly aren't mine. When I'm acting I forget my own world, and I have the privilege of living in another one. On stage, all that I'm focused on is what I'm doing, who I'm portraying. My worries are much more different and much more simple than the ones I have to face behind the curtain. On stage, all I'm thinking about is my blocking, my steps, my lines, my cues, my props, etc. I don't care about being embarrassed because I know that I've put in the work to make sure I won't mess up. And even if I do mess up, everyone makes mistakes and all I have to do is recover. Sometimes, that feeling is much more rewarding than just knowing my part, because I know that I can handle pressure and screw-ups within a short time period. My reaction, creativity, and logic have to be quick enough for me to save myself.
There's nothing more satisfying and redeeming to me than performing. It's why I smile so big on stage. Seeing something come together after so many months and hours of hard work makes me so proud of myself and all the other cast members. I don't care what role I have, I'm just glad that I have one. The opportunity to feel that rush and bliss even for a little bit is a blessing to me.
If I had the ability to, I'd do it forever.
