I didn’t grow up in a religious family. My mom was raised as a Catholic, but did not carry that practice after leaving home and making her own family. My dad is Jewish, but we take the term lightly in our family; we celebrate Hanukkah and Passover, but not very seriously. Due to the lack of religion in my family, I never learned about God, went to church, or read the Bible. However, despite the fact that some people may think this was a poor parenting choice, I believe it was the best parenting choice. It allowed my sister and I the opportunity to explore religion and faith for ourselves, and to make our own decisions about what we choose to believe and what we choose to not believe.
I will not go into the details of what it is I do and don’t believe, but I think it’s safe to say that at some point in almost everyone’s life, they get mad at God. Whoever, or whatever God is to people, there will be a time in your life that you question the intentions and the plan of what is supposed to happen. There will always be doubt.
The first time I really questioned God was in 2013. I had just become friends with who is now my best friend, and her mom had just passed away in December of 2012. Seeing the grief and pain that enveloped Jordon’s family was the most heart breaking and crushing thing I had ever witnessed. No part of me understood how God could take away someone who was loved by everyone she knew, and who was the light of her family’s life. How could God let Jordon and Harley graduate high school, college, get married, have kids, and do everything in life without a mother? I was angry, and even more confused about God than I had been previously, but if Jordon and Harley could believe that God had a plan for them, I figured I could too.
It’s hard. It’s hard to believe at times, even most of the time. I know we all struggle with it at some time or another, and most times, people tell me to pray.
But I wasn’t taught to pray, I wasn’t told how to pray, what to say, or when to say it. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to talk to God, but no one talks back, and I wonder if I wasn’t meant to be religious. They say everyone can be. I don’t want to devote my life to Christ. It is not who I am, yet I have respect for the people that do.
I just want to know that everything will turn out okay.
Knowing I lived through a car accident, and a bad state of mine makes it easier. I know my life cannot and will not be perfect, but I want to know that Jordon and Harley will ultimately live happy lives. I want to know that the people I love are safe at all times, from the cruelty of the world and from themselves. Nothing is certain; nothing is assured. No matter what, I will always tell the people I love that I love them everyday.
I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand that either. I may have a troubling relationship with God, but I do have faith and I do have love.
