Yep, I said it—I hate cats. I can just hear the cat lover's hearts breaking across the world as I type. But it’s true; cats are simply the worst. And here’s why:
- Cats smell awful. If you can honestly tell me, with 100 percent seriousness, that you think cats smell good, I’m sending you to an ear nose and throat doctor. Because something is wrong with your sniffer.
- Cats have 478 taste buds. Now, I don’t know if that’s considered a lot of taste buds or if that’s even the reason why cats have such weird tongues, but what I do know is that a cat's tongue feels like nasty wet sandpaper. And being licked by a cat pretty much makes me want to amputate my arm. Now, I’m fully aware that this is a stupid reason to hate cats, but I’m sticking with it.
- All cats shed, which is gross. So unless you want one of those nasty little bald cats, you’re cleaning cat hair off of everything you own.
- Cat love leads to excess and insanity. Okay, so maybe this isn’t scientifically proven or anything, but hear me out on this: the record number of cats owned by one person was 689. Now you’re probably thinking that’s just one crazy guy, but everyone I know with cats seems to have them in bulk. It’s never just one cat, it’s always at least two or three. And I’m convinced excessive cat love and insanity go hand in hand. My cat-loving Uncle Raef, for example, owns 10 cats that he lets live in his house, and because his wife won’t let any more in the home, he now makes what he calls “kitty condos” in his backyard. Small heated houses for his 20 outdoor cats to live in. I’m telling you, excessive cat love leads to insanity. And I like my sanity, so no cats for me.
- Cats are loud. They can make up to 100 different sounds. And I’m pretty sure all 100 of them are made in the wee hours of the night when you’re trying to get some sleep. Just saying.
- Cats are just creepy! Did you know that 60,000 black cats are killed each year due to superstition alone? While I’m not in any way condoning the killing of cats, I do think cats, whatever their color, are creepy as heck. And clearly other people agree with me! I mean, for god’s sake, there’s a show on TLC now called, “My Cat from Hell.” That’s got to say something right?!
- Cats have zero social skills. If you have a dog, you know they’re always there to play fetch, go on a run, or snuggle with you in bed, even if you just treated them poorly. Cats, on the other hand, hate you before you even have the opportunity. They lurk in the corners of your house like the little creepsters they are, and even when you try to beg them to sit with you on the couch they stare blankly at you and walk away. I’m convinced that any human interaction of any kind is just…un-cat-like. In fact, my friend Alyssa has a cat that lives its life entirely in their ceiling. No contact of any kind. How it got there I have no idea, but Alyssa claims she can go up to a week without seeing that thing.
- All they do is sleep! Cats sleep, on average, 16 hours every day! That means your cat is aware for roughly eight hours of the day. I’m sorry, but why do you want a pet that sleeps 2/3 of the day? Even fish are awake longer than that!
- Cats are mean. By the time cats reach adulthood they have 30 teeth. When I was seven, my aunt’s cat bit me, with all 30 of its adult teeth. She tried to tell me it was a “love bite” (whatever that is), but I know the truth—cats are evil. And they use all 30 teeth to show it.
- Cats prey on the weak. Before I was even one year old, my pet cat, creatively named “Kitty” (clever, Mom) attacked me. Innocent little bald me laying on my blanket in the living room was scratched by my cat. You may say that’s not really an attack, which would be correct. But I’m convinced it’s still haunting me to this day, making me incapable of liking any cat. Ever.
