I used to think positivity meant always having a smile plastered on your face, even when the world was falling down. I thought it was about forcing yourself to be okay no matter what was hurting you. Basically, I thought it was faking it until you made it. Except, I never seemed to make it. I was never actually positive and that porcelain mask I wore was too fragile.
I remember my first review as a resident assistant I was called negative. My score on the positivity ranking was extremely low and my boss wanted me to work on it. So I decided to talk to my counselor about how to be more positive. I expected him to teach me special skills for staying positive or some strange hypnosis technique, but he actually didn't teach me a single thing about positivity. He instead taught me the art of reframing.
Reframing is basically this: every situation you've been in and every memory is sitting on a wall with a single image to represent it. That image is in a picture frame with words, like those corny ones you can buy at Target that state "Family Is Love" or "Buddy Cat" or "Best Father". You can choose what frame your memory or situation is in. So, say you have a bad day at work and you accidentally mess up the simple task you were given. Your boss is mad at you. Your coworkers think you're an idiot. You are frustrated with yourself. That moment currently sits on your wall in a dark frame painted "I Am A Failure". And you hate it. You hate that moment. You hate being weak. You hate disappointing people. It's this terrible black spot on your wall of happiness and it's weighing you down.
So take it down. Take it off the wall. Out of the frame. Stare at it for a moment and wonder why you hate it so much. Then put it back up in a different frame. I would choose something like "I'm Still Learning" or "I'm Only Human." Accept that it happened, it sucked, but you don't always control life. Put it in a different frame and try to keep it in that frame. Sometimes it'll mysteriously end up back in the "I Am A Failure" frame, but as you start changing the frames on your wall, it gets easier and easier.
I can't even start to explain why reframing works for me when positivity didn't. They're basically the same thing. I guess the thing about reframing is you accept the moment for what it is and just choose to look at it differently. I'm not being fake like when I wore a fragile mask of positivity.
Reframing has actually helped me be more perceived as a positive person. My next review as a resident assistant, positivity was one of my top skills. I'd given up on positivity and that is exactly how I mastered it.
