Do you ever come across someone who always tries to find a way to get under your skin? Maybe in a workplace, a neighbor, or a classmate. When you’re around this person you wonder why all the things they do are so necessary. Or on the flip side, have you ever come across somebody who you can not make angry? They just seem to have a lifetime of patience for circumstances that should strike a nerve. Sometimes people seem to act so against what we expect.
I’ve realized that behind the surface of human emotion and reason there is a greater predicate of character: control. The way we exercise any version of control reflects the type of person we are and the type of person someone is, is demonstrated by the motives behind their use of control. Once you realize how a person handles the opportunity to control, it’s easy to see why they do what they do.
There are many varieties of control. It ranges from self-control, which is a person’s ability to regulate their own actions and reactions despite cause to act otherwise, to controlling others, which is using power established by some hierarchy (i.e. social, government, knowledge, etc.) to cause a desired action or mentality in others. The type of control in question just depends on the circumstance.
Character, results from how someone exercises their control and what occurs because of it. At one end of the character continuum, a person uses their power to inflict physical or psychological pain and feels satisfaction because of it. At the other end, someone uses their power to promote progress and to alleviate negativity.
Acceptance is control’s counterpart. Someone on the former end of the character continuum lacks acceptance when something is out of his/her control. This type of person will resort to petty behaviors in order to achieve a perceived position of power and the feeling of satisfaction. This is that person that always tries to get under your skin and the reality behind their behavior is quite a paradox. This person feels they are in a compromised position of power and resorts to any type of control they can achieve. On the other side of the continuum, a person can accept their compromised position of power seen by others and resist the gratification that comes with power. This person is one who shows patience when he/she could react.
One way to think of it is that self control is the reflection of acceptance. Rather than seeking fleeting moments of satisfaction, those who use self control postpone gratification in order to reach a greater sense of satisfaction, a position of power that power seekers have trouble reaching.
When trying to understand why someone does what they do, try to recognize how they exert their control. When someone uses petty control to break us down, we have a chance to counteract it by channeling our control inward and seeking opportunities to use our own power for progress.
