For many college students, fraternity and sorority involvement can be an enticing social aspect of their time spent at a university. I will be the first to admit, dear reader, that Greek Life seemed like a magical experience to even myself upon arriving at university. However, I soon discovered that fraternity life is not quite the paradise that television and movies portray it to be. After one week spent living with my newfound brothers, I had not only failed in cultivating a complete and exhaustive understanding of traditional Greek culture, philosophy, language, and Orthodox values, but I had also not experienced a single elaborate hazing ritual with dark, erotic undertones.

Sadly, not even once.

Disappointed and confused, I left the fraternity in search of a place where I might truly belong. I felt hopeless, I spent my days staring at my reflection in puddles for hours on end and peering into the windows of houses to watch overjoyed children giggling and opening Christmas presents next to the warmth of a fireplace, with their loving, accepting parents. Now even more confused, since it was mid-September, I felt as if my life might be over, despite my college years having only begun. That is, until one fateful evening.

On this particular evening, while in the midst of my nightly viewing of Muppet Treasure Island, I had a sudden realization: This scrappy and diverse group of onscreen characters were a tight-knit brotherhood of friends with a passion for adventure. Yes, I do have my suspicions that once the cameras were turned off—that after the actors playing Kermit, Gonzo, and Sam the Eagle removed their masks for the evening—they may have acted differently than their film personas, embroiled in any number of vicious blood-feuds. Yet, for those several magical hours a day spent singing, raiding, and patronizing the brothels of the nearest port alongside their bloodthirsty pirate crew, the Muppets were the greatest of friends.

Robert Louis Stevenson's artistic vision, realized.

The Muppets seemed to have a stronger friendship, even, than any fraternity or sorority that I had witnessed prior. It was at this moment that I had sudden clarity; I knew exactly where I belonged. I have found my place, dear reader, and you can as well. Without any further exposition, these are several reasons why every college student should join a debaucherous pirate crew.

1. A Raucous Crew Will Be Your New Family (And Not Just Because Your Actual One Has Disowned You Out of Shame)

Initially, I was a bit worried that assembling a sea-worthy company of loyal vagrants would prove to be a difficult task. Living in Youngstown, Ohio, I feared that the rather severe lack of a nearby ocean would deter many possible crewmembers. This forced me to take a more creative approach to my recruiting methods. Purchasing advertising space in the local newspaper, I set up an open casting call for the “Method Acting Experience of a Lifetime.” On the day of the auditions, I was pleasantly surprised to find over 30 potential nautical degenerates packed into my parents’ garage, which I had claimed as my first act of piracy.

Once the auditions began, I quickly revealed that although this would be an unpaid internship, there were many incentives to offer in place of a mere salary: adventure, potential treasure, and permission to refer to the position as a “Corporate Assistantship” within a “Startup Business” on their Linked-In profile. That last bit was what sealed the deal, and I found myself with not only 30 new, lifelong friends, but also a new family. According to my crew's newly updated and increasingly professional Linked-In profiles, we were ready to promote some serious synergy.

2. Diversity

I spent last Thanksgiving the way I usually do, at the family home of my close friend, Susan Park, her father, mother, and two younger brothers. While the dinner was unquestionably delicious and the conversation was stimulating, I was appalled at the lack of ethnic diversity. As we ate, I couldn’t help but wonder where the African American, Latino, or Pacific Islander representation existed within the Park family! Eventually, the dinner came to a boiling point when Susan announced the arrival of her grandmother.

“I think Grandma Karen’s here!” Susan chirped excitedly as headlights cut through the living room’s blinds. I threw my plate to the floor, ceramic shards splintering everywhere.

“Oh, let me guess!” I yelled, rising from my seat. “Grandma Karen is Korean, too!”

“Well, yes? Nate, you’ve met her several times.” Susan responded tiredly, sinking her head into her hands. “You promised me that this year would be different.”

I had heard enough. Storming out the door into the night, I wondered how, in this day and age (2015!), the Park family could be so homogenous.

Don't even get me started.

Witnessing the despicably exclusionary lifestyle of the Park family firsthand, I vowed that my pirate crew would be different. You see, dear reader, though my briny gang of sea rascals is comprised of gluttonous psychopaths with penchants for societal disturbance, there is one thing that we are not: intolerant. Students of any creed, economic background, or major are welcomed into the fold, with the only prerequisite being an obsession with sex, violence, and money. Given my country of residence, I realized that these qualifications would only increase the number of candidates.

3. The Plunder is Lucrative

Apart from a solemn church service, I have found that there are few activities as spiritually beneficial as plundering. Here is a typical evening, described in an uncomfortable present tense:

Donning the period costumes obtained from the theater department’s rummage sale, my sinful cohorts and myself use a battering ram to make an explosive entrance to the local Long John Silver’s (a structure designed to resemble pirate lodgings of the Somalian variety). “Deborah!” I call to the cashier as I saunter in, my foul crew streaming in through the demolished wall where the door once stood, “My lads and I have had our fill of peril and whoring for the day! Despite your best efforts to keep us out, we have bested your defenses, and wish to break bread!”

Although Deborah seems completely unintimidated, I can tell that it is but a façade.

“No one tried to keep you out. You just tried to push the door. It’s a pull door. It even says so on it,” Deborah replies, unblinking. My crew and I turn around to glance at the smoking heap of rubble.

A voice from the kitchen calls out, “Are they back?”

Deborah turns around and answers, “Yeah, they’re back.”

This, except in a tiny, flammable building with no air circulation.

Just like that, the rumpus begins! Moments later, barrels of wine are carried inside and cracked open, mixing with broken rum bottles to form a frothy sea of alcohol that covers the entire floor. Other customers stare in confusion as we rearrange tables in order to create a fire pit for a suckling pig roast. So, when does the plunder take place, dear reader? Oh, this is just the beginning of our debauchery! While Deborah typically limits each member of my crew to three napkins and a single straw, we spit upon common statutes and throw restrictions to the wind, often taking as many as five napkins, but no more than seven! Even the Dark Prince, himself, would surely condemn such immorality!

4. The Rousing Sea Shanties

The accursed Mahoning River that flows through Youngstown is desolate place, often making the Dead Sea seem like Geauga Lake’s Wildwater Kingdom in comparison. Even the ghost of Cortez, himself, who searches for his lost treasure within the polluted, murky depths, makes certain to slip into his rubber fly-fishing pants before setting even a toe within. Sailing this river can drive one to madness, and even I have almost followed the sweet call of the sirens: beautiful half-human, half-fish women who are the unfortunate result of sewage runoff. To keep the spirits of thirty-odd vile rogues high on this devilish body of water can be a daunting task, but the solution is simple: A rousing sea shanty. After all, what would true piracy be without an appropriate soundtrack?

Anchors away!

The true beauty of the sea shanty lies in its versatility. While I had originally intended to employ these tunes to (as previously mentioned) raise my crew’s spirits as we traversed the Mahoning River, I now call upon them much more liberally. My morally bankrupt troupe of seafaring miscreants answer to my call whenever and wherever I may be, erupting into glorious song and dance at my beckon. In fact, I call upon their services so often, that it has become a reflex.

Just last week, while in the midst of a daydream most sublime, my teacher called on me to answer a question. Panicked, I reacted without thinking, snapping out of my fantasy and bellowing, “Lads!” Within moments, my entire company of maritime deviants (who had been perched on the branch of a tree just outside the third-story classroom) swung by manner of hooked ropes into the room, shattering both the glass windows and the innocence of onlookers as they called forth their raunchiest melodies and most loathsome hornpipes, utterly destroying the classroom in the process. I simply looked around at the destruction and let out a deep sigh of contentment. It felt good to belong.

ENGL 3703 - Literature for Young Children MWF 10:00 am

And belong, I truly did. For you see, dear reader, although I may command a gang of ethically-polluted naval marauders, let there be no question as to whether they are an inclusive gang of ethically-polluted naval marauders. They are. If you are searching for your place in life, look no further, for you now have your answer. Greek Life, school organizations, intramural sports, and volunteer work will only give you a fleeting sense of fulfillment. To experience a more literal sort of fleeting feeling (ship pun), there exists only one real option! Adventure and comradery await, lads.