Coming from a Christian household, God was an inevitable part of my daily life. It was God whom I gave thanks to before I ate; it was God whom I prayed to before I slept; it was God whom I went to church to learn more about; and it was God whom I was told that loves me. Yet, if God was so apparent in my life, why did he feel so far away?
Because I grew up in the church, my “faith” was essentially a bunch of rules and regulations, a list of unquestioned do’s and don’ts that were ingrained into my morals. I didn’t understand why something was right or wrong, only that it was. Thus, God felt more like a black and white deity than the loving Father that was preached to me.
For most of my childhood, my faith didn’t feel real to me until I reached junior high. In a time when I was struggling to find identity and acceptance, I often prayed to God, relying on Him heavily to help me make it through each day, whether that’d be avoiding being ridiculed or enduring social interactions. For the first time in my life, I had a genuine relationship with God.
Then came high school, where my faith really started to grow. School-wise, I wasn’t connecting that well socially, so New Life became my main community. I was in an environment that not only pushed me to live radically for Christ but encouraged me to be open and vulnerable. I thought that my spirituality would continue to go upward. That is, until I reached college.
What I imagined to be a stage of growth and socialization instead resulted in isolation. When I had the choice, I decided not to attend church nor any campus fellowships and instead locked myself in my room, indulging in video-games, anime, and porn. My second year at Western, I had hit rock bottom. Depression kicked in and my grades started to plunge, suicidal thoughts emerged, eating burdened me, and even getting out of bed became a struggle. Every time I looked into the mirror, I could only feel contempt, disgust, and hatred for myself. I was completely devastated.
One day I suddenly received the urge to read the bible. I didn’t know exactly where to start, so I decided to read the book of Job since I thought I could relate to his suffering, along with a couple of other verses on depression that I Googled. I could sense God calling to me through those passages, telling me to come back to him and that there is hope for me. From that moment on, I made the decision to pray to God every night in hopes that I would find my way out of my darkness. And it was then that I fully gave my life to the Lord.
The Gospel has been preached to me countless times throughout my lifetime, but it wasn’t until that moment when I truly understood what it meant to be saved by Christ. That no matter who I was or what I’ve done, God still loves me for who I am; that he sent his one and only son to die for my sins so that I could have a relationship with Him -- and that’s something I can never repay. So I decided to follow God not because I feel obligated to, but because I love Him. I want to experience the things that He has in store for me and live out the fullest potential of who He has created me to be, all while knowing that I am forever and unconditionally loved.
