"Shush I do not want to hear it."
"Do not speak unless spoken to."
"Let me do the talking."
"Go ahead and tell them! No, wait let me..."
These are the little sayings have grown to learn.
Growing up in a family that is more so based on respect, is something that I wish never happened. The family I grew up with is not only my parents and my brother, it carries off to my extended family. So, from hearing these all the time, I have learned to keep quiet. Before, they all blames it on me growing up shy, but now this is based on my anxiety. I have a constant fear of someone not listening to me ,or someone telling me to be shushed. Now I choose to stay quiet, and most of the time I do it by habit.
The problem with this is that I do not know when I can talk or who I can talk too. I cannot even explain myself for a situation that does not need to be explained. I am allowed to talk, but either way I am still not allowed to speak my feelings. I watch my little cousin be able to say whatever he wants to whoever he wants. I so wish I had the ability to do that growing up. He does not get told to be quiet at the age of 10, meanwhile, I at the age of 19 am either yelled at to speak or to be quiet.
From all of this, I constantly tell myself no one wants to hear it because that is what I was told. It is a constant push and pull for me; especially now that I am willing and trying to talk to those in my family who do not understand, because the thought of them not listening or caring always repeats in my head.
How can someone tell me that they are willing to listen, but do not want to understand?
I am stuck in my own quiet mind because I was told not to speak or to be shushed; however, in the meantime, I can watch my younger family speak freely and speak their emotions without a stare, or a shushed coming from our older generations.
Today, I am constantly asked either, "what is wrong?" or "why are you so quiet?" and I am never able to explain why or how. All I want to do is scream this at the top of my lungs to everyone I know, but I can't. I am trapped with my quiet tongue, with the fear of no one wanting to listen to me.
I chose to be quiet, it became a habit, and I could not explain why, until now.
