People always say, “Just let go, move on, you don’t need them” as if it’s so easy to drop a person and quit caring. As if it’s so easy to stop thinking about them or to forget they even exist. As if I haven’t tried already.
I am an extremely hopeful person so when something good happens, my hopes sky rocket. I know that in the situation that I’m in I shouldn’t be as hopeful as I am, but I cannot help it. I also think that there is still that 1% chance that something will change and I will finally be happy and have what and who I want. And then I have nights like this where I hear the person’s name and totally breakdown and realize that it will never change. I feel like such a pathetic person, especially when I bring up to someone and they say “just let go” and all I can seem to utter between tears is “I can’t.” Every time I think I’m finally strong enough to “give up” I think about it and I know I can’t. I have tried so hard to forget and to move on and to try and meet someone else. I can’t.
It hurts even worse when the person you’re fighting for tells you to move on. As if they truly don’t care that you are giving your all to them. That you have probably missed out on so many other great people because they are the person that you think about night and day. And they don’t even care enough to give you a chance, but here you sit crying because your heart is completely shattered and they don’t even know it.
You’ll always go back though. Why is that? Why do people go back to the person that hurts them? Some people may say they’re stupid. Others may say they have no respect for themselves. But in my personal experience it’s because my heart is 3x the size of my brain. My heart makes the decision and my brain knows that it probably isn’t the right one, but my heart overpowers my brain. If you’re a person like me your heart will always call the shots, no matter how smart you are or how big your brain is. No matter how hard you try and try to just forget about and move on and be happy.
In my situation I’ve left twice and I’ve gone back twice. I wasn’t asked to come back, I wasn’t fought for, but I came back. And I cried because I thought I had finally moved on and then I had one moment of weakness and I’m back. I’m back to crying because my heart hurts. I’m back to wondering why I’m not good enough. I'm back to listening to peoples judgmental comments and the usual "move on." I’m back to trying to let go again and failing miserably. I’m back to giving up everything and getting nothing in return. I’m back to hearing the same thing: “Just give up - how hard could it be?” Well, family member or friend, it’s tremendously difficult for a person like me.
Elsa sang “Let it go.” Girl, I’ve tried. How about you teach me your ways?
