With mid-terms quickly approaching, lately I find myself in my room, under the covers, hiding from the world. I cuddle my Tempur-Pedic pillow, wrapped up in my down comforter, and I let the tears soak into the memory foam. I feel pathetic, stressed, and alone. There are days where I have little to no time to just sit and relax, or binge watch a couple tv shows with my roommate, there are days where I find myself needing to read instead of cuddle with my boyfriend. Sometimes I break down in the bathroom in between classes because I am taking 17 credits, working two jobs, and juggling an internship, all while searching for a career path that works for me.
It's my senior year, and I am struggling. Hard.
But guess what?
I am happy to be struggling.
This sounds crazy, I know. No one should ever ask for struggle, no one should ever feel that the only way to success is through pain, but lately that is how I feel. The road to success is not paved in gold. It is paved with tears and sleepless nights and heartache and sweat. It is paved with long nights spent studying in the library, bleary-eyed and tired. It is spent struggling.
I am not asking for any more than I have on my plate. I am not asking the world to throw any more at me, I'm not screaming "Give it to me, universe! I can take it all on! TRY ME!" This is not true. I am simply saying that I am grateful to have been given a life where my struggle is going to take me somewhere. My struggle is going to lead me on to better things in less than 12 months. I am going to look back and thank myself for sticking with it, for getting my second degree, for trying as hard as I could to make a better life for myself.
I don't know what I want to do just yet. I am an English major, I am skilled and adept at writing, analyzing, looking for deeper meanings in text. You think that doesn't scare me sometimes? You think that I don't wonder at night just who is going to hire me? I do. I worry, constantly. But the worry just fuels my determination to get to where I need to be. No, I probably will not miss late nights spent reading Shakespeare and Emerson. I definitely won't miss trying to understand Thoreau's Walden. I won't miss having 8 hours of class and then 5 hours of homework right after. I won't miss having so many deadlines to beat, I won't miss scurrying from my day job to my night job.
I won't miss this struggle. I know that. But man, am I ever so thankful and blessed to have the life that I do. I keep food on my table, I have a beautifully decorated, comfortable apartment that I share with the best room mate ever, I have a loving and supportive boyfriend, my GPA is considerably higher than I ever expected it to be, I am building a clean cut, impressive resume, I am LUCKY to be able to have two jobs when most people struggle to find and keep one, I managed to score a great internship in a museum...I have so much that many people my age around the world will never have. Will never even dream of.
I'm not saying that you deserve to be miserable in school, I'm not saying that the only way to greatness is through heartbreak and pain and hearing "NO!" 10 times a day. I'm saying that you should look around yourself when things seem particularly stressful and try your best to remember that you chose this path for a reason: to make a brighter future for yourself.
It's not easy. It is never going to be easy. But I am going to make it out of college alive, and so are you.
