I for one, am not good at relationships. I just don’t know how everyone does it. I know how to be a great friend. I know how to be a great daughter and a great sister. But how in the world am I not good at loving someone? I’ve watched my best friend’s relationship from the very beginning. I have watched them grow together and fall more and more in love with each other every single second of every single day. And I’m jealous of that. All of my friends are getting into serious relationships and I’m just falling behind. I sit back and notice how all of them become so vulnerable and so raw and I wonder if I would ever be capable of doing that. Yeah it sucks having to watch all of your friends move on with their lives and become so invested into someone else. I have dated people in the past and it just never turned into anything substantial. Either I end it too quickly because I become “bored,” or they end it because they’re “not ready for a relationship” but we all know that means that they just didn’t like you like that. I try to steer myself away from the “I am afraid of commitment” or “I just can’t express how I feel about them” statements. But maybe I am just scared. As soon as I feel comfortable with someone, I retreat. And who knows why that’s my first line of defense. Some people aren’t any good at sports and others have a hard time trying to understand math. Maybe this is just my weak spot. Maybe I just genuinely don’t know how to love someone.

I am a very loving person when it comes to my friends. I would literally do anything for them. I always give them the very best of me that I have. I know that I am a great friend. And I know that I should be a great girlfriend, but I’m not. I’m terrible at that. The second I start dating someone, I start to feel suffocated and look for a way out. I break plans, I make excuses, and for what? A movie night with my best friend? To spend hours hanging out with the "One Tree Hill" gang and the surgeons of "Grey's Anatomy?" As soon as someone puts a title on what we are, that’s the point I start searching for a way out.

I want to be in a relationship, I think. But just looking at my experience, I am pathetic at trying. My best friend is so good at her relationship. She just makes it look so easy. She does all of the right things at the right times. Her relationship is something I will always envy. I want a love like that. I want someone to look at me like the way her boyfriend looks at her. Just by looking at his eyes, I know he completely adores her, and it kills me knowing that I may not ever feel that. I am at the point that I can no longer blame my bad experience on luck. It’s me. I am definitely the problem. I always rationalize myself as just wanting to be an independent woman but let’s face it, what girl my age doesn’t want someone they can throw their love into and always depend on? Something caused me to go into my shell and at this point, who knows if I will ever come out. I’m wrong, broken, damaged. And what guy want’s a broken soul?

It’s hard to stay away from the thought of never being good enough for someone. Like what if I am unfixable? I would never want the person I am in a relationship with, feel as if they deserve someone better. I know I am not as pretty, or as skinny, or as smart as my friends and that’s always going to be a real issue for me. I always feel as if I would have to fight for my partner’s attention, and let’s be real, that would totally suck. The thought of not being good enough, will forever haunt my soul when it comes to giving my heart to someone I have feelings for.

One thing that completely stings, is possibly having feelings for the wrong person. It’s just a really confusing issue that I constantly battle myself with. I know that I could possibly have the potential of loving them and giving them my heart wholeheartedly, but how could that affect relationships I have with others? Sometimes you become attracted to all sorts of wrongs and it ends up hurting others that you love.

I have to face the reality that I might not ever figure myself out. Sometimes people do end up alone. Days become weeks, weeks become months and months become years, and slowly I am the girl who was never able to give her heart to someone. Love is like a muscle and if I don’t use it soon, I am going to forget how to. I am going to forget how to love someone and then I’ll just be forgotten. No one else will slow down for me. I found out the hard way that as soon as someone finds who makes their soul happy, they won’t continue to worry about you. Their priority won’t be their best friend who can’t love. It’ll be their partner who doesn’t go a day without trying to make them happy. Or, when it's all said and done, maybe I'm just unloveable.