After my last relationship, I truly believed that I was not meant for anyone. There were a few boys here and there after him, but nothing serious. I was too afraid of commitment. I really felt like I couldn't trust anyone again. It's tough to open up to someone after being walked all over. (Especially after being cheated on and left for my ex-best friend...) After some time, I finally got enough courage built up and decided that it was time to go out into the world again–not for a relationship but for myself. I wanted to love myself.
After a month or so, I realized why people say "If you can't love yourself how can someone love you?" Once I started taking care of myself, mentally, emotionally, and physically, I started being noticed not only by guys, but family and friends. They seemed more eager to be around me and were complimenting me. It was nice. Now, this was a while before college–maybe a year and a half. I kept to myself and focused on me. I hate how I had to get my heart broken to love myself, but at least I realized my mistake–to not depend on anyone.
Before I left for college (more like when I watched my mom leave in the car), I promised myself that I'd focus on my studies and that I wouldn't fall in love with anyone. I would not lose myself again. I didn't like being vulnerable or meddled with. I didn't like my mom seeing me cry over a guy.
Until August 1st.
I received a notification from my school's app about someone commenting on a picture I posted. I had posted a picture of me holding pigeons from my trip to Puerto Rico, and a boy commented, "This would be awesome if I was a big bird fan." Not only did that spark our conversation, but it got to the point that there was a little flirting and he hid his identity because I couldn't see a current picture of him (his profile picture was from when he was younger).
I noticed you on social media after that comment and thought you were cute–actually, too cute for me–but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway and talk to you. You had these mesmerizing green eyes… Just looking at them made me feel all "blah" inside. Cheesy, right?
Eventually, I got his Snapchat.
A small note to him:
At first, I was so nervous to continue talking. I didn't know why. I was scared to get to know you because I didn't want the past to happen again. The moment I met you, I could not take my eyes off of you. I crashed into you in the elevator. You recognized me, but I didn't recognize you. I kept trying not to stare because I wasn't sure if it was you.
You were everything I wanted and more. The first time we hung out will be a day I'll never forget. You were so generous, courteous, and so funny. We were studying in your dorm room and ended up watching a movie. That was the first night I ended up sleeping in your room. It was nice. I felt safe.
You kept a smile on my face that whole night. It was strange to have these feelings back again, but I liked it. It scared me, but I liked it.
The more we hung out, the more I got to know you and the more I fell for you. I started developing these feelings that I've never felt before. It was at this point that I knew you weren't like the other boys that I have known. You were honest, you loved school, and you knew what you wanted in your life and future.
It's been said that the best love happens when you least expect it and I believe that now. You are the best blessing that came into my life right when I needed it. The feelings that I have for you are feelings I have felt once before, only stronger.
What scares me is that you've said you want me, yet do nothing about it. I don't want to lose myself again. I don't want to depend on anyone–not you. You scare me. I'm scared. My heart physically hurts. And what sucks is that I'm OK with it. Why am I OK with it?