Though it has been years, the pain does not easily go away. Though birthdays and death days roll by, they still sting.

My oldest brother would have turned 37 this past Saturday and I can't help but to think what kind of person he would turn out to be.

You were incredible. You were so intellegent, graceful and your smile would brighten any calloused person's day. You held mom's world in your hands, being her first born and her biggest supporter.

I wonder what you might have done. Would you have become a huge medical miracle? Would you have helped modern medicine? Or have you already? Your condition was not ideal, but it made us grow. As humans, we can't grow without experiences and sometimes that means pain. Even though it was the hardest event in our lives, mom and I grew and we are so thankful to you for that.

Would you be proud of me? I can't believe where I am in my life right now. One thing is for certain, none of this would have happened to me if it wasn't for you. You are my guardian angel. You protect me. You comfort Mama. You help us get going each morning. We can feel you around us.

Mama is the strongest person I know. Why? Because of you. She knows what it means to love so unconditionally. She understands what suffering is. She held you when you took your very first breath and your very last. Mama doesn't comprehend why God took you away from her. What could she have possibly done to deserve that? Nothing. Mama did nothing but love you and give you everything she had. But because of the loss of you, Mama became the person she is today. She is a fighter. She is strong. She is balanced and peaceful. She is a Christian because of you. She found the blessings of her loss and became the most perfectly imperfect Mama I have today. She found joy in having another baby. She appreciates every moment we have together. She finds new ways to always keep you in the conversation without hurting. She loves you and you will always be her baby boy.

I can't make the pain go away, I can't hold Mama every day, I can't have you comfort me when I just want to cry. This sucks. Absolutley and utterly sucky. I want so badly to be selfish and be mad at God for taking you away. But, I can't. I can't because this was suppose to happen. You gave me life when you were walking this earth and even to this day, you still do.

I know next year, your birthday will come again. And that will mean that Mama and I will say our birthday prayer to you. We will cry, again. We will hurt, again. But, that just reminds us that your love will always be with us. I know that you are blessing us with your spirit every day. I know that one day I will see you again.

My words from the day we met till my very last breath will always stand true. Everything I do, I do it for you.

Rest in peace my big brother. I hope they have yellow cake in Heaven for you.