Let's get real here.
I like to do that for some reason. Getting thoughts and feelings out through writing somehow lifts a little weight off my shoulders when I'm feeling heavy.
My mom has a friend who occasionally sends her texts with some kind of quote or Bible verse along with a basic takeaway from it. Here and there my mom will pass along those messages to me. A couple days ago, she sent me this one:
"'If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you. But if I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am I and you are you." - Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk
A self-definition that is based on another's perspective is untrue and deceptive.
A little confusing, right? But I stopped and I pondered it, and I thought "wow, that's a really good message". We can't live our lives based on what others think of us. We should know who we truly are, and not allow others to speak their own definitions onto us.
As I quickly discovered, that's easier said than done.
Later that same day that I got that text from my mom, I went to go pick up a book. A group called NOTA here on campus does a publication full of art and literature every semester. I was on the selection committee for the literature section, so I thought I would stop by the release party and pick up a copy. But what I couldn't get out of my head is that I had submitted poems to try to be published in the book, and they had not been chosen to be published.
I walked back up the hill, falling snow sparkling in the streetlight glow, looking at the book, and here is literally what I thought:
"This book is like a symbol of everything that has gone wrong for me this year".
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but this has definitely not been my year. I can't even say which year of my life has been the best so far, but I can tell you it isn't 2016. I have felt more gut punches from life this year than I care to recall, and most of them have been a result of being rejected in one way or another. Not getting published in this book felt like another reminder of that.
If that's not a self-definition based on another's perspective, then I can't think of a better example. And as stated before, it's untrue and deceptive.
But I am only human.
It's hard for me to not take it to heart or take it personally when I keep getting denied. I have been like a sponge for all of that denial this year, soaking it all up, believing that the decisions that others make regarding me are the sum of who I am. I have been the queen of letting other people's opinions define me in 2016.
But no more.
I am quickly coming to terms with the fact that it's a choice. Deciding who gets to define you is totally a choice. And hearing "no" time and time again is not easy by any means. But I know now that it's a mistake to be a sponge to other people's opinions and decisions. It can break you down faster than you will ever know if you have that kind of mindset. Being a person who is constantly having a pity party for yourself is a terrible place to be.
You can make the choice to give yourself a better kind of definition. You can choose to celebrate every part of who you are, despite hearing "no" from others more times than you would have liked to.
Be unapologetically your truest and best self.
That's what I'm going to try to do moving forward. I can't promise that I won't fail at it and fall on my face sometimes, but I know I can't stay stuck in a rut like I have been lately.
I have no idea if 2017 is going to be "my year", but I know that things are looking up because I'm getting acceptance from one of the people who matters most: me.
