How can you be broken when you've never been fixed?
I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and I see someone I don't even recognize anymore. I see a person I don't want to be. I see a face of someone who is hurt, who is in pain, who is struggling. Someone that doesn't love herself. Someone who thinks this place isn't for her anymore. That life doesn't have anything to offer. I see someone whose soul has gone, whose passion has slipped away. I see someone who is fighting, fighting to be valued, to be noticed, to be loved. I see someone who is confused and lost. I see someone that is scared, a person whose life is spinning out of control.
I'm not the person I once was or at least thought I knew. I honestly don't know who that person was, or who I even am lately. I'm not sure if I ever will.
There are some days I feel insanely happy, but those are usually gone in a flash. I constantly feel this pain that I can't really express to anyone, but myself. I feel so hurt inside all the time and there's no way of repairing it, not even a mom can help. I'm mentally and emotionally gone. I'm not sure when I left and I'm not sure if I'll ever get myself back.
I look at myself in the mirror at 1am and I see someone crying for help. Someone who is fighting to be recognized. Someone who wants to love herself more than anything. Someone who is seeking something that no one else could understand. Someone who wishes life wasn't like this for her, that perhaps her choices led her te wrong one. Seeing someone who is on the bathroom floor, helpless.
And yet that same someone who was broken at 1am is still broken at 10am, at work. The only thing different is that she is smiling, cheerful, like nothing is going on in her head, like she didn't just cry herself to sleep. That same someone who is fighting with herself is that same person who is saying hello and waving to others. That same person who is hurt and filled with pain is that same person who is helping other people with their problems. It doesn't matter who you see at 10am or who you see at 1am because they are the same person, but one is better at hiding than the other one.
I know I'm young. I know I have a full life ahead of me. But what you don't understand, my life has never really started on my own. I've had expectations for everything. I've basically had to do what I was told and now I won't be told to do anything. Everything is up to me after college. If I fail, it will be on me. You see, I'm so used to putting the baggage on everyone else that I will no longer be able to. I'll have to face my demons on my own and I'm terrified. I'm terrified I'll fail the minute I go out in the big world. I'm actually horrified that I won't find myself, again. I won't find my "big" niche. I won't be able to repair myself and will be that broken girl that nobody sees truly.
