Everyone has a story. Mine has been far from perfect. And that kills me.

Growing up, perfect was always my goal. I didn't see that there was any other way. I had good morals, made good choices, worked out daily, ate healthy and felt extremely guilty if I missed the mark. I grew up a very happy girl, and I was blessed with a wonderful life. But we all have that something, right? That one battle that seems to pop up every once in a while and it's just a hard one to fight. I was (still am) a perfectionist, and most of the time I chose to fight alone.

As I got older, this inner battle became harder and harder to fight. I guess I always thought it was something that would just go away with time, but little did I know there were many lessons ahead for me.

Trying so hard became exhausting, so when I graduated high school I decided to take the complete opposite route; apathy. Apathy is a scary, dangerous place especially for someone like me who tried so hard all the time.

Before I knew it, I was throwing my morals out the window, gaining all the weight I spent years trying to fight off, losing friendships I spent years building, spending my nights drinking to forget, breaking trust with a lot of people I loved and completely putting a hold on my relationship with God. All the expectations I had for myself crumbled, and I began to see myself as a disappointment.

It all seemed to happen so fast. It was like one day I was moving through life, doing what I normally do, and then the next day I woke up and I didn't even know who I was. This is where the shame came in.

Shame is loud. It's deafening. And if you aren't paying enough attention it will take you over and then blind you to the fact that it even exists.

Although I started to live with much apathy, there was still that voice in me screaming, "No... you were made for so much more than this." But shame. Shame took me over and told me, "No, it's too late."

Shame looks at you and says, "Look at what you've done. You're an embarrassment, a failure and now you need to hide." So that's what I did for many years. I hid behind the parties, behind the guys, the nice clothes, the food.

There did come a day where I had enough of it, and I moved to California for a chance to start over. I felt God calling me into ministry, and so I went. But I took all my hidden baggage right to California with me without even realizing.

Living in California was and still is like a dream come true. I moved to escape, and I was ready to forget my life back in Ohio. So much so that for my first year of living there I decided to ignore a lot of things about myself. I had just come out of a very crazy, confusing stage where I wasn't following God at all, and then I threw myself into a place where all I was doing was following Him. Sincerely in my heart I was ready for this, but I was not ready to come out of hiding. So much of me was holding onto shame, constantly going back to the person I was. Story after story of the things I used to be. Constantly tip-toeing around life afraid of stepping the wrong way and falling right back into an old pattern. Shame still had a grip on me and now it was telling me, "You are doomed. You will never be made new."

There have been very few moments in my life where I've had an epiphany and then everything changes. But this particular one has been life changing: A couple weeks ago I was with a group of people and we were telling our testimonies. I heard story after story of ones who have followed God their whole life without much stumbling. Of course they aren't perfect, but I found myself becoming very jealous. Compared to them my story seemed so dirty, so disgusting and so embarrassing. I remember thinking to myself, "If only I didn't do all the things I did, my story would be as clean as their's."

But then I realized this: my story can be that way.

Isaiah 1:18 says this: “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool."

Basically, Jesus is like, "Hey, I know you have done some crazy stuff you aren't proud of. Your sin is a mess, but you don't have to be. If you allow Me to work in your life I will make you white as snow. Your story doesn't have to be dirty, disgusting and embarrassing. It can be one to bring glory to My Name and show My grace and mercy."

So all this time as I'm wishing my story could look different, all the times I've continuously looked back at who I have been, Jesus is waiting for me to accept who I can be. Which is free, pure and white as snow. This whole time, I've been the only one telling myself otherwise.

So I am choosing freedom for my life. I am choosing to accept that although my story doesn't look the way I planned, God is using it to inspire others and bring people into His Kingdom. I understand that I will never be perfect, and that is OK. God doesn't expect perfection, and half the time the people I am trying to be perfect for don't expect that either. Today and every day I choose not to hide from God and the people around me. I'm telling shame to shut up, because it won't have a grip on me anymore. I know that life will still have its not-so-good moments, that's expected. But I believe I have the choice to choose how my story will look every day, and so do you.