Being an introvert with an anxiety disorder and chronic illness is a recipe for no friends, I know. But I really am trying.

I will openly admit that I have been horrible in the past at responding to messages. I've made a concentrated effort to be better at it lately and even initiate conversations with people I haven't talked to for a while. But I continually feel like I'm losing connection with everyone and even the world around me.

My brain fog can be awful, so I forget things all the time, even entire conversations. I try to be very honest about this when I talk to people about getting together: "Please text me and remind me, because I will forget. Not because I don't want to do it, because I do, I just have a hard time remembering things. I will not be offended at all if you text me daily until something is on the calendar." The texts never come.

People mention getting together. I say I would love to. Nothing ever gets planned.

I stopped being able to come to parties. People stopped inviting me.

If I could do everything, I would. But I have limitations on my life that are out of my control.

I send someone a text because I miss them or I want to follow up with them on something. They don't respond.

I listen to others vent about their life, their circumstances, and their problems (which I don't mind at all, because I love encouraging people in those things), but I don't get asked how I am back.

I see others being loved and supported in similar places, and I fight jealousy, because I feel alone.

I try to reach out, and I feel ignored.

I struggle, and I feel forgotten.

I say all this generally. I'm not completely without support. I have my family and a couple close friends. I am so beyond thankful for them, but they are the rare exceptions. I truly love each one of those special people, and I'm sorry if this all sounds selfish. I'm not trying to be. It's just that I'm working through the grief process over and over again, and having a few people stay doesn't take away the pain when others have left or seemingly forgotten about me all together.

I recognize I've closed myself off from so many people before. My heart is often surrounded with walls, but I desire people in my life who are willing to help me break them down.

Maybe it's an out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing, but I feel like I'm trying to make myself visible. People tell me to reach out and ask for help, and I'm learning how to, but I'm not given it when I do. I'm met with silence.

I feel like I'm putting my heart out there and few people are holding it for me.

Sometimes, actions speak louder than words, but in this case, words aren't even being spoken.

Maybe people don't realize how they come across. Maybe people don't know what I'm going through. Maybe everyone is just too busy to care when I can't keep up. Maybe it's all my fault, and I'm terrified it is. But gosh, it still hurts so much.

Am I really forgettable just because I'm sick?