“Where do the good boys go to hide away, hide away?
I’m a good, good girl who needs a little company.
Looking high and low, someone let me know.
Where do the good boys go to hide away, hide away?" - Hideaway by Daya
Sounds like the anthem for the Christian girls of our generation. What I love about that song is for once it isn’t the good girl going after the bad boy. It’s a good girl who knows her worth and won’t settle for less than what she deserves. The message is clear and pretty simplistic: good girls are looking for good guys, so where are they? Why are they so hard to find?
A recent segment on the talk show “The Real” really got to me.
A young girl (who happens to be a virgin) posed the question, “How should a virgin girl find a date?” The obvious answer is to pick a virgin guy to go out with, and if you can’t find one, wait for one to find you.
The thing I would advise not to do is to lower your standards and start settling because you’ve bought into the lie that virgin men don’t exist, or at least desirable ones (since pop culture only portrays virgin males as socially awkward weirdos). The loneliness and desperation that can sometimes manifest in singleness often clouds one’s judgment and weakens them to where they’d rather be in a relationship with the wrong person than be alone.
Of course the panel brought up the fact that most guys in college probably aren’t virgins with a “waiting for marriage” mentality anyway, so basically you’re crazy for wanting and expecting a virgin to date in return. And that is precisely what perpetuates the cycle of women settling in relationships: the negativity of cynical women.
The young girl was almost embarrassed and apologetic for her desire to date a virgin; a desire that every human being has: that they are their lover’s one and only. No one likes the idea of his or her future spouse being with someone else. Hardly anyone would prefer walking into marriage with that baggage. It’s certainly not ideal. But most don’t live in accordance to that desire or make the necessary sacrifices for that ideal; they prefer to satisfy their fleeting desires and settle for something more practical, more convenient, and more common.
But monogamy wasn’t intended for when one is simply ‘in a relationship,’ it was meant for life; that the two become one and no man shall come between.
A few of the women rightfully assured the young girl by saying that “There are men out there with the same values. Yes, they’re few and far between, but they are out there.”
However, I did not find one particular train of thought very helpful, that “Men don’t want someone who’ll sleep with anyone and anything. You are wife material at a very young age.”
Of course men don’t want someone that sleeps around, but newsflash, women don’t either! And from a feminist perspective, I’m a little less concerned with what men will want, and a little more concerned with what women want. Women don’t want a man who will sleep with anyone and anything. They want a man that is husband material right now at their age.
And why is the encouragement for women to wait always centered on how they’ll be desirable for men in the future?
We know that when men get older and grow up they realize their promiscuity is an empty and unfulfilling lifestyle, so they find the good girl and settle down. And the good girl often ends up being the one who settles. I’ve seen this tragedy too many times to count. What part of this is fair and just? How is that worth the wait for her?
Why do we assume and almost expect men to not be virgins by a certain age, but always encourage women to hold out and wait? Wait for what - a marriage to a man of lesser character?
Why do we continue to make excuses for men and willfully accepting this double standard with no justification? And do we realize this double standard left a vacuum for the radical, liberal feminists to fill? This is what led to the sexual revolution – this particular faction of feminist wanted to sexually liberate women to the equal degree of men.
And honestly, I understand their plight. Why should only women be held to a standard of purity? But I fully disagree with their proposed solution.
What the feminists should have done was to raise men to the standards of women instead of lowering the standards of women to that of men. But what would have been best is if men would have had high standards to begin with.
Unfortunately, I find that most Christian girls are embarrassed to admit that they desperately want a virgin guy because they'll assume they have to settle anyways, so it's better to not make it a deal breaker. They genuinely don't believe that many exist out there or that they'll ever find one after a certain age. The emphasis then gets placed on getting married instead of whom you're marrying.
But shouldn’t these aspiring spiritual leaders actually be worthy of such a role?
I'm also discouraged by how uncomfortable men feel when talking about their virginity. “Men don’t want to advertise that they’re virgins. They don’t want to look uncool.” Why wouldn’t a man be proud to be different and uncommon and stand out? Why is sleeping around considered sleazy for her and a rite of passage for him?
It’s because we don’t hold men and women to the same standard. And we no longer expect much from men in any regard. We just believe the lie that they’re all pigs, that boys will be boys and that's just the way the world is. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them, right?
For those of you who are struggling with this fear and have an overwhelming sense of insecurity, please remember:
1. The devil is in the doubts; consider the source of where you’re hearing the negativity. What kinds of Christian circles does this person speaking into your life socialize in? What is their standard in dating? If it’s not yours, don’t take their advice to heart, because they don’t know yours.
2. Those who tell you “what you want doesn’t exist” are typically people who have settled in their past or current relationships and desire to bring you down to their level. Misery loves company. No one, unless they desire to see you happy, wants to see someone wait for the real deal when they didn’t.
3. Stop believing the lies of the world that trick you into believing you have to accept something that you feel you shouldn't have to. Assess the man honestly. Ask yourself: “Is he good enough for me?” or is it more that he’s just "good enough?”
I can't speak for every girl, but I know that in my heart of hearts I would never truly respect the man who didn’t wait for me. I would always resent him and feel that I settled. And just as unfair as it would be for me, it would be so unfair to him. He deserves someone who can move past his past or someone who has been through the same experiences.
It’s not that I’m unforgiving - it’s that this is my deal breaker. And we all have them. We all have a right to them. No one can tell you what is acceptable and what’s not in your marriage. You are committing your life to this person. This is the biggest decision of your life, and you should not marry someone out of fear that what you want doesn’t exist or that there will be no one else down the road and it’s better to get married than to be alone.
I hate seeing those in the Church guilt singles (mostly women) into accepting the past sins of a potential mate, as if we're already married to the person or that somehow we’re not being Christian. I’m forgiving. God is even more forgiving. That doesn’t mean that I have to choose someone with baggage to be my husband. Love is a choice.
I believe sex is sacred and made for the purpose of marriage. I believe it is the strongest bond and closest form of intimacy two souls can experience and intended to be fruitful and open to God's procreative power. And I’m keeping my heart on hold for someone who shares my reverence for it.
A man who remains faithful to his wife even without meeting her yet shows me the respect he has for the future family he one day wants to have and a respect for God’s law. I want a man who puts God and me before his flesh.
I want a man of integrity, who doesn’t cave to peer pressure or place what other guys say about him before what God says about him.
A man of this caliber and maturity, who showed courage and virtue in his adolescent and college years, is a rarity and exactly what I’m longing for.
If you believe that you are a ‘one in a million’ kind of girl, why would you ever settle for a ‘dime a dozen’ type of man?
According to recent statistics, the odds are stacked against those waiting for a man that meets this standard. My future husband will literally be ‘one in a million.’
“Waiting until marriage is unusual in the culture at large, where the Washington Post reports that approximately 97 percent of people surveyed had sex before marriage. Even in the evangelical Christian community, where purity rings and chastity pledges have flourished, CNN reports that a recent study found that 80 percent of unmarried evangelical young adults said they had sex.”
“Our daughters are less likely more than ever to find a man who hasn’t been corrupted by [the sexual revolution],” according to The Federalist. Less likely? Maybe. Men who haven't been corrupted by sex hard to find? Perhaps - but these statistics don't know my God who orchestrates the impossible, and these statistics underestimate the good men out there doing the impossible.
I don’t know God’s plan in making good women wait for good men, but I do know this: if He made someone like you, He made someone for you. He doesn’t ask that we walk alone; He asks that we walk with Him. He’ll send you friends that will join you on your journey, and men that you’ll meet that may give you hope your guy is still out there. If marriage will further His plans for your life – He will send the right guy at the right time to come along side you on your mission. So stop doubting that He’ll deliver. Start living the life He calls you to now. I see too many women slowing down because they’re afraid a man wouldn’t be interested enough to catch up.
Mark Zuckerberg famously said, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” Well, I ask you, not so famously, “What would you do if you knew you’d be single forever?”
Chances are, your life calling will be the same regardless of your relationship status – so start doing what God has called you to! Stop making decisions out of fear, and leap into faith!
Don’t pick places to live on the chance of you meeting someone. Go to the place God has called you. Don’t take jobs hoping you’ll meet single coworkers. Take the job that advances the Kingdom. Don’t go to the church with the most attractive single guys in attendance. Go where the Holy Spirit leads you.
If God really wanted to bring someone into your life, you’d meet him on the street tomorrow. Stop making God small. We insult Him when we try to make things happen as if He needs help orchestrating our destiny. He’s got this.
A man that’s waiting for marriage is a man of self-control not governed by the desires of his flesh, but governed by his respect for women, his future wife, and most importantly, God.
If I’m looking for a spiritual leader, shouldn’t he actually be more spiritual? If I’m to trust him, shouldn’t I respect him?
I want this man to teach our daughters what to expect and to emulate true masculinity for our sons.
I want my friends to celebrate with me when I find him because he will be just as they said he would be.
I want our marriage to have a mission that glorifies God; for our story to be a reflection of God’s perfect timing, unwavering faithfulness, and intended design.
I want a marriage of purity to inspire those around me, to ensure that waiting is worth it, that men can be saints and deserving of their beloved, and that a feminist like me could commit myself to selflessly serving and walking alongside such a man.
I want to spend my marriage honoring my husband; a secure man who I pray has uncommon qualities and a deep sense of self-worth.
I want people to say, “He’s too good for her. How’d she get so lucky?” Not because of what it will say about me, but for what it will say about him.
