On February 10, 2016, I received a message from my university's study abroad office which communicated rather or not I had been accepted into the program I had applied for in London (spoiler alert, I did). Before even fully opening the email, I read the words "Congratulations!" just within the preview. I don't recall where I was but I do remember sitting on the edge of my seat for the results a week leading up to the notification. Needless to say, I was absolutely elated.
Although that day in February is a blur to me now, I still recall the happiness I felt within and called my mother right away to let her know and, of course, did the "Can't wait to study abroad in London this upcoming fall quarter!" For the first few weeks, I'd say the news was unbelievable to me and took some time to get use to (I'm still not sure that it has or will ever hit me that I'm on this amazing adventure).
Since most of my family are friends with me on Facebook, the news also spread to them and the support they sent my way filled my heart with even more joy. One of my biggest supporters, my granny Louise, commented "So happy to hear this information Lyndsey! I'm so proud of you sweetheart." All though I've heard my grandmother say how proud she is of me, having this in writing and on Facebook where I can look back at it is a blessing.
That spring break, I was originally going to stay in California. However, I was experiencing some serious homesickness and didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to celebrate my grandma's 87th birthday (yes, and she was still getting on Facebook and posting/commenting on things). So, my parents flew me in and I got to be a part of one of my favorite surprises to this day. On my mom's side of the family, my grandma's birthday was basically another holiday for us. It was tradition to plan a big gathering where we'd all join as one and celebrate the woman who loved and supported us all unconditionally and without any favorites.
I walked into the restaurant where we had reserved a big table and surprised not only my grandma, but the rest of my family as well. Nevertheless, it was her smile and urgency for me to give her a hug that made the 7:00 AM flight out of San Francisco worth it.
That spring break would be the last time that I saw my grandmother at her healthiest (though she wasn't entirely well during that time either). As the months leading up to summer came and went, her health continued to dwindle and her post and comments on Facebook (which she use to do at one in the morning although she should have been sleeping) did as well. During the week leading up to finals week, things back at home concerning my grandma were at a low point. I recall calling her once due to the difficulty in schedule and although her spirits remained high and she assured me she would be fine, I had already began to feel an emptiness.
My dear granny Louise, the woman who taught me so many life lessons, loved me even when I wasn't at my best, always encouraged and supported me, and consistently insisted on doing things for herself and others, was no longer capable of being so independent.
Once I arrived home for the summer, I had two more weeks with my little lady before she returned home to God. Originally, when I had learned that I was studying abroad 4,000 miles away from home, to my knowledge my grandma was well and her normal self. Within four months of receiving such exciting news, one of my biggest supporters was no longer with me. I had imagined leaving for four months and returning with stories and gifts to share with her and the rest of my family. Now, with Thanksgiving approaching and less than two months left in London, her absence is extremely prominent.
Anyone who has ever lost someone close to them likely understands the difficulty that comes with having an empty place in your heart. It's not like a breakup and letting go of a friendship because time doesn't heal it and no matter how many days, weeks, months or years pass, you won't just stop thinking about the person and how they've impacted you. It's much more difficult than that and when it comes to homesickness, if part of what you're missing is also a person who won't be there when you come back, it's an indescribable feeling.
When one of your biggest supporters is no longer present on earth, your actions are more questionable and the low points in life feel a lot lower than they actually are. In the last two months that I've been here, I've felt a big lack in support. I'd like to think that, naturally, I'd give my granny a ring on the phone and feel my spirits lifted within seconds just from her positivity about life and overall happy attitude, those are only two characteristics that I remember her by. Although I can't do that by phone, I'd also like to believe that she's still with me everywhere I go, everywhere I've gone, and everywhere I will end up going (rather in Europe or in life).
When one of your biggest supporters are no longer with you, life feels a bit more difficult and the clouds seem to be grayer than they actually may be. Personally, I'm still coming to terms with losing my grandmother. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and it never hurts any less. However, lately I've been trying to think about who she was as a person and what she would have wanted for me during my adventures abroad. I can't call her on the phone for the positivity boost but I know she's not too far away no matter where it is that I am.
