For the past few months, I have been on a journey of self-love. I have learned (and am learning) more than I could ever imagine about myself and about others. A woman approached me the other day while I was shopping, explaining to me that she had seen one of my Odyssey articles about self-love and then said, "It didn't take long to realize all that about yourself, huh?" I responded with, "Yeah, actually, it's taken my whole life and is still a daily battle I struggle with."
That's what self-love is. It is a continuous fight and it really depends on the day how I feel about myself.
When I wake up every morning in my cramped dorm, I look at myself in the mirror right next to my bed. Some typical thoughts that usually run through my head are, "Gosh, I don't want to do anything today," "I am disgusting," or "I hate myself, I need to change." I get myself to shower, then I come back to my room, put on an outfit for the day, and repeat these thoughts as I look into the mirror for about the fifth time.
These voices used to practically scream these statements at me. Until I decided, after 18 years of living with those thoughts, that it was time to do something.
I have started seeing a counselor at school and I am not ashamed to admit this or talk about it openly. Going to counseling has opened up doors and emotions for me I never thought possible. My voices have quieted down. And although they are still very much present, there is a louder voice that hushes the other ones up. If I start to think negative thoughts as I look in the mirror, my real voice responds with, "Seriously, Anna? You know none of that crap is true. You're amazing. Get on with your day, smile, and move along."
There was a point (not sure when) when I decided thinking, spending energy on, and believing those negative things did nothing for me. I made myself a prisoner and a victim inside my own body without even realizing it. I learned that in order to feel better about myself I had to start treating myself like I would treat my best friend. Would I call my best friend ugly and worthless? Would I tell her to hate herself and change everything that made her, her?
No. No, I wouldn't. So, why would I even dare tell myself those things?
At the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with me 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. I refuse to spend one more second hating myself. I am going to learn how to love myself no matter what. I believe learning how to be happy with yourself and learning how love yourself is the only way to lead a good life.
It is so incredible to think that you are an individual and no one else in the world is exactly like you. No one else looks like you, thinks like you, laughs like you, or talks like you. That is so freaking cool. We need need to learn to embrace every part of ourselves even if we are not completely happy with every little thing.
We are truly all bad asses for just simply being us. I am starting to realize that every day. To really try to love yourself in a world that encourages all of us to hate ourselves in truly, truly an act of rebellion. I want self-love to become the norm—not some courageous act. There is no reason we shouldn't love ourselves or have to make justifications for doing so.
So yeah, I'm struggling with self-love as I assume a lot of other people are. And that's OK. As I continue looking in the mirror though, I am beginning to see different things.
My chubby tummy? Cute as hell.
My big thighs? I like them.
Crooked teeth? They make up my unique smile.
I tell myself, "You are worthy. You are talented. You are strong. You are capable. You are a bad ass."
I hope if anyone reading this is struggling like I am, you remind yourself of these things every day. You are so much more than the negative voices inside your head. I promise.
