I am not a small girl. I was always that girl with the chubby face and curvier appearance. I got some drama for it when I was younger, like most. It never helped that I had a shy yet nosy personality, nor that I liked to people watch more than actually talk to them. But, like a true cliche, become my friend and I will never shut up or stop laughing. I love to have fun, laugh and enjoy life. I always have, but my insecurities would get to me, like when someone told me I laugh too loud or my smile was "too wild". When I giggled, sometimes it would be "too childish" or my nose was too big or too small. When you hear something said enough, you start to believe it and shut down parts of you that make you unique and shine; parts that make you, you.
It wasn't until I was in my last year of high school that I stopped shutting down and started to just be me and love me for myself. It wasn't one of those movie moments where a guy would tell me to fall in love with myself or some dramatic breakdown that made me "realize my self-worth". I always knew my self-worth, thanks to the amazing support system I have at home, but that never stops a person from criticizing themselves, some more harsh than others. The truth of the matter is that slowly and little by little I fell in love with myself. The whole process was spectacularly anticlimactic, nothing like you see in the movies with the fights with the best friends or boyfriends or bullies or anything like that.
It was just simply me and a mirror.
Like most people, I had a love-hate relationship with the mirror. One day I'd feel like Madonna and others like the Grinch. Some days, I even looked like him, when I practiced with makeup. It was just one of those days. I had just wiped off my makeup of all Grinch worthy aspects and was just starring in the mirror. I looked at my forehead, my small ears, wild hair and unruly eyebrows. I just starred at myself, for who knows how long. As I starred I realized that my eyes, my mud brown and ordinary eyes, were actually not that muddy. In fact, they weren't muddy at all. They were like newly overturned soil- rich and vibrant, a color that creates, feeds and grows. It was the color of life and the roots of joy. It was this sweet crudeness that made me look younger, feel happy and come alive. This was color of my eyes. They weren't ordinary at all- they were almost almond shaped, rounder at the edge with a abrupt end. My lashes were long and curved just under my shapely eyebrows that framed my round face. My eyes were not normal or muddy, they were pretty fantastic and unique.
From then on whenever I look into a mirror, my eyes would find themselves and my confidence would rise. I would smile at myself and feel so good. Soon enough, I would find little things about me like my pert nose or my uneven lips and crazy smile. My wild untamed laugh and childish giggle. My loud, ridiculously animated sneeze and my uncontrollable clumsiness. Little by little, to this day, I would find something to love about myself.
And it helps. On days when I'm too depressed to breathe and just don't want to function, days when I can barely drag myself out of bed, finding those little things when I do look in the mirror helps me. It helps me see me, for the wonderful little annoying miracle I am. It helps me love me just a little harder and just enough to breathe again.
