Modern day dating culture has given way to a new phenomenon. Yes, we have discussed the "hook-up culture" and the classic "friends with benefits" situations. All of that has evolved into a new hybrid relationship type. The boyfriend, not-boyfriend.
What is a
This relationship is characterized by two people who obviously like each other, behave as if they were in a relationship but they actively defend the fact that they are not dating. Every individual situation is unique. It could be open, or exclusive. You could have met the parents or be a total secret to them. Every boyfriend, not-boyfriend situation can also develop differently, but in the end, it all boils down to one thing, you guys aren't dating.
Causes:
The not-friend situation may come about for a couple of reasons. Most commonly, the pair might start off as friends with benefits. Casual hook ups, nothing too public, late night booty calls, etc. As time passes, the two might develop feelings for each other. They might start going out for breakfast once in awhile, hanging out for non-sexual purposes, getting to know each other's friends more. All your friends start asking questions: "Oh my god! He is so cute, have you told your parents? Wait, you guys aren't dating? You do like him don't you?" It might take your friends a minute to understand, but they may never get it.
Reasoning:
Every person might have their own reason for having a not-boyfriend, why they don't want to put a "title" on it. Some people aren't done exploring the dating pool. These people aren't ready to settle down with one person and commit themselves only to them. They love being around their not-boyfriend, but they also like the lack of guilt they feel hitting on the hottie in the corner of the party. Other people are just not ready for a relationship and the expectations and responsibilities that come along with it. Relationships take an effort to maintain. Some people might not have the time to put into said relationship just yet. There is no problem in admitting that you would not be able to support a serious relationship at the moment, but you still love being around a particular person.
Where it gets complicated:
A not-boyfriend may sound ideal to a couple of you. Having someone to talk to every day. Someone you could go out to eat with and then come home and have a little bedroom fun with. You even have a designated person to get you away from the creepy guy trying to buy you a drink at the bar. All the perks without having to worry about the expectations of a relationship. Why hasn't he texted me? Who is he with? Does he not love me anymore? It all sounds great; until it isn't. The not-boyfriend is a very delicately balanced situation. The slightest imbalance can send the whole ship crashing into an iceberg, then bye bye jack it is. One of the imbalances could come down to your friends. They don't mean to, but they constantly put pressure on you to give your situation a title or question the whole relationship constantly. They are your best friends, and sometimes those little voices, regardless of how hard you try to reassure yourself, get into your head. This may cause some people to abandon the not-boyfriend ship. The most classic situation is when one of the members of the situation decide they don't want a not-relationship, they want a yes-relationship. When one of the parties on board decides they want more, the waters can get pretty murky. Regardless of the reasoning why, not-boyfriend situations are susceptible to end, just as easily, if not easier than a regular relationship. But it is always fun while it lasts.
The role of the girl in the not-relationship:
As a girl in a not-relationship, I have gotten some unsettling comments, and they usually come from my closest friends. One of them asked me "Why would you let him treat you like that? Have some respect for yourself." Excuse me, how is being in this situation shedding my dignity? I personally understand that I am in a place in my life where I am applying to jobs, trying to raise my GPA and extend my college experience to the best it could possibly be and this leaves no time for long late night phone calls with the BF. I can't be worried about hurting his feelings if I have to cancel our Netflix date to study, or go on an interview, or if I just want to hang out with my girls. Just because he is a guy, and I am a girl, I am seen as the weak one? He is getting "everything" he wants. The sex and the freedom. I would have to object. A personal connection with someone has little to nothing to do with sex, and I am getting the same bargain. So why I am I seen as the dumb one? The one without respect for themselves? People need to start looking at two people in a relationship as equal individuals.
