It’s surface level admiration.
It’s an ego boost.
“The desire to feel without all the attitude” - anonymous
"Friends with benefits" is the idea that intimacy can remain platonic while being physical, and has quite the reputation for being the ideal relationship in today’s culture. One in which people get to have sex (and a lot of it, hopefully) with a person they like or find undeniably attractive (or a little at least) without the “obligation” to act as the other’s significant other.
There’s no doubt about it -- they tend to turn into complicated and sometimes awkward situations. Development of unrequited feelings is one of the top concerns people have about starting a relationship that is only physical.
So, on what terms does this kind of "relationship" (because let’s be honest guys, it IS a relationship) actually work?
Some people would argue that it takes two individuals to be "entirely uninterested in entertaining any energy beyond sexual needs." That’s where the “it is what it is” mentality comes into play.
Some would also argue that all it needs is clear and concise honesty and communication from both parties. While others believe it takes a certain type of intelligence for both persons to both be honest and sexually experienced but still, even knowing that, wouldn’t recommend it. Whether it be intentional or spontaneous, it is built on the foundation of selfishness and I don’t think anyone could say otherwise. It’s so important to recognize the difference between "f*cking" and "making love."
I repeat.
Knowing the difference is imperative.
Sex is powerful and it can make or break a situation between you and someone in regards to any kind of relationship. The desire to be loved subconsciously WILL override anything you believe to be true. So, when making a decision like this it's crucial that both parties are 100% aware of what is wanted out of the situation. And let’s face it, people hear what they want to hear. I’ve witnessed plenty of people in the position where one doesn't fully understand that sex doesn't, and won't change how someone feels about them or the situation they put themselves in. They, as a result, end up getting upset, feeling used or resentful once all the cards are on the table.
Separating your emotions from your sexual relations is probably one of the hardest things to do, but also the most important part of making this relationship work.This all sounds so complex right? This is probably the most complicated relationship you will ever be in, no matter what the circumstances are.From personal experience, feelings DO happen. We are human, and this kind of situation is completely normal. When communicating with your partner from beginning to end, make sure you are talking about boundaries and intentions.
What're the Do's and Don'ts of FWB? Glad you asked:
The Do's
DO be honest
You need to make sure that you’re open about everything. Feelings, jealousy, ending it. All of it.
DO speak your sex mind.
The main point of having a FWB is to have the most satisfying, eyes rolling in the back of your head and feet curling sex. Be honest about what you like and what you don’t like. This is for your pleasure.
DO groom yourself as you were together.
Common courtesy, everyone.
DO ensure you’re emotionally ready.
Having casual sex can be emotionally tough, especially for some women (let’s face it ladies). Most of us are programmed to feel a connection after we sleep with someone, so you need to make sure you’re 100% okay with having sex that won’t lead to anything more.
DO practice safe sex—always.
Condoms are lifesavers. This is KEY when you’re having sex with someone you’re not monogamous with.
DO keep your eyes (and heart) open for new relationships.
The Don'ts
DON’T have sleepovers.
Having sleepovers confuses things. Say goodnight, take a shower, and get into bed feeling relaxed, satisfied, and totally comfortable with the fact that he went home.
DON’T cuddle.
Cuddling encourages intimacy which is a no-no. You want to keep things simple. Spooning complicates things.
DON’T expect relationship things.
No fancy dinners, flowers, gifts, and games. You’re having casual sex, and some conversation—that’s it.
DON’T be clingy.
Leaving a change of clothes or toothbrush at his place is highly discouraged, as is giving him grief if he has plans, a date, or has to cancel on you. The fun is done when the clingy-ness is on deck.
DON’T introduce your FWB to your parents.
A FWB is supposed to be temporary. You don’t want people in your life to start asking you about “what’s going on with you guys?!” “Is he your boyfriend/girlfriend?” “You guys are having sex huh?”
DON’T get mad if they meet someone else.
Your FWB is not your significant other. They are allowed to date, Tinder stalk, or Facebook friend anyone he wants. You’re free to date anyone you want, too.
DON’T leave the bedroom.
After a few nights of what’s hopefully amazing sex, don’t feel forced to start doing date-like things. Inviting him to dinner because you connect so well in the bedroom, you assume it’ll translate elsewhere. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw: “Keep your chemistry contained to the bedroom where it belongs.” If you decide you both have stronger feelings, it’ll happen organically.
My advice:
When deciding on becoming FWB with someone, make sure to keep that line of communication open at all times. There is a lot of parts that goes into making sure both parties are on the same page.
I’ve realized that this type of relationship has a lack of communication about commitment, and because of this it prevents proper verification of intentions on both sides.
It’s a very insightful experience; the exploration of human wants and needs. Sometimes it filters into a connection that grows to be something more.
It’s very important, however, to consider yourself and your safety as a priority. For something intentionally temporary, one might not have the time to gain qualified trust in another, which can lead to miscommunication. It's important to communicate your intentions, boundaries, interests and honesty.
