Who am I to be the one to call off a wedding and end a relationship, when I was the one that said yes so many months ago? Who am I to be THAT girl that put her needs before the person that she loved and wanted to be with?

It’s taken me a long time to be able to put into words what I am thinking and how I feel about everything that has happened. The only thing I can think is that isn’t what was supposed to happen to me. We were supposed to get married, raise a family, and spend the rest of our lives together, not push back the wedding and then ultimately call off our engagement and breakup.

I had what I thought was the perfect relationship. He was attractive, he took me out on nice dates, always opened the door for me, called me ma’am, and he was the guy I said yes to calling mine forever. He proposed after 18 months of dating, and I was overjoyed to begin the wedding planning. A week after being engaged I picked out a venue. From there things flew by and floral, photography, DJ, and the dress had all been picked out. I got a dream honeymoon to Italy and was already planning the trip day by day.

I was so focused on the wedding that I never stopped to think about life after the honeymoon, and living with him. We had talked about the future, and all the things we wanted. We dreamed of the big house with too many rooms, the luxury mom car, and a sports car just to have. We wanted extravagant vacations wherever and whenever we wanted. But I began to realize that all of these material things were not going to make me happy, being with the person I love and having a relationship of trust and support was going to make me happy.

The 3 months before the breakup were the worst by far. We argued during that time more that we had throughout our whole relationship. There were so many contributing factors to the stress the both of us were under that emotions would build up and eventually blow up in our faces. There was a lack of trust on his part towards me about putting enough effort into the relationship. That lack of trust and a mutual lack of communication broke us. I had full confidence in our relationship, but his constant need for reassurance from me hurt him and his trust. I was putting forth as much effort as I possibly could, but could not let my grades and ultimately my future career suffer for a boy that was clinging onto everything I could give him and still asking for more. I felt that I had failed to keep him happy emotionally. I felt that I failed as a fiancé to put a smile on his face, to show him how much he meant to me, and we both suffered the consequences for my lack of effort. I discovered that this was not the case.

Before nursing school, I just thought I would get my degree, work a few years, have children and then become a stay at home mom. Things began to change when school started. I was putting so much time and effort into school that I wanted this to be my life. I didn’t want to throw away a degree for a marriage and a family, and I know that sounds cruel but I’m not out in the world to get married and have children. I have been called to love and care for people the way Christ did, and if that means that I have to prioritize my focuses and my needs to do so then I will. I saw nursing school as this temporary thing that will go away after 2 years, and then we would have the rest of our lives together. I was asking that nursing school be put first for these next few semesters until I get my degree and the stresses of school were gone and I was able to fully focus on my relationship. But one day he called me and told me that I was not putting any effort into our relationship and by me devoting so much of my time to school, wasn’t enough for him. It was there that I realized that he felt that the strain of our relationship was my fault. Being the kind of person that I am, I instantly took the blame and saw myself as being selfish by putting my needs before his.

When I started to think about what to do with my relationship and in what direction to take things, I began with prayer. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I prayed more times a day than I usually did in a week. I asked God for guidance, and once I got that I asked for reassurance. That’s when I began to have this unnerving peace about not getting married, about being the independent woman that I know I am. Every time I would blow off these feelings and act like they aren’t happening, my stomach would drop and I could feel my heart beating in my chest. My anxiety increased the more I thought about staying together, and that’s when my health declined. I lost 10 pounds in a 2-week period, and going from 115 pounds to 105 was not healthy so I became concerned. As my health declined, so did my grades. The stress of being pulled in so many directions between school, my relationship, and my health took a toll on my school performance. I was not happy with my life and wanted things to calm down, so I did what I thought was best for me.

It shouldn’t have come down to me breaking things off. When he would get upset with me about my lack of effort or my devotion to school, I would tell him what he was doing and how it hurt me to be treated the way I was. He said he was sorry and that he wouldn’t do it again, but within a few days her would me mad again. It was a continuous cycle of him getting mad and saying sorry and me forgiving him, only for him to do it all over again.

I ended up breaking things off to focus on myself, and what I wanted to do with my life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I chose to put myself first for once, and ultimately it has been one of the best decisions I could have made. I wasn't being selfish, I was being self-respectful.

If I could offer any advice, it would be to never settle on a man that doesn’t support your dreams and ambitions. Never settle for someone that gets upset for your devotion to your future. I would get chewed out for not texting back right away or not flirting as much as I use to. Nursing school is hard, and I don’t have much of a social life due to the fact that my workload increased dramatically the minute school began. I learned so much these past few months, but the most important thing I learned is I need someone that will love me and support me no matter what my life situation or circumstance is. This is what I pray every girl out there will realize. Find you a man that loves you for you, and doesn’t want you to change who you are or your ambitions just for them. But the thing is you don’t need a man to define who you are. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and in the eyes of the Lord you are perfect with our without a man by your side.

I have tried not to think too much about what has happened these past few months, but the only thing that I can do is look forward to the future that God has planned for me. Things might not have gone the way that I originally planned, but I have full confidence in the Lord that greater things are planned for my life, and I can’t wait to see where He guides me.

Proverbs 19:21 “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”