Contrary to what you might believe, this isn't about what I feel when I see a certain person or when I hear a certain song. This is a story about a struggle and pain but mostly happiness. This is a journey. This is a story. This is my story.
I never really knew the great feeling of my heart beating until I was 17 years old in the hospital after heart surgery. Most athletes get better as they get older, but I was a little different than that. I was getting worse as I got older, and I couldn't figure out why. I wouldn't have admitted it back then, but I wasn't as good as my peers, and I wasn't getting any better.
Finally, my sophomore year I went to the University of Alabama and ended up catching the flu. After a couple days I seemed fine again, but then I came back home and was constantly feeling sick or under the weather. I never threw up or anything, but I could barely stand without feeling like I would throw up or pass out. There were days when I constantly just shook because I felt so sick and nothing would come out.
Fast forward to January of junior year. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with a heart condition. I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. I wasn't getting enough blood flow to my brain, and when I got up too fast I'd feel so lightheaded I would feel like I was about to pass out. To top it off, I had a slight case of Median Arcuate Ligament Syndrome. This is where a ligament is pressing down on your celiac artery, an important artery connecting your heart and stomach.
Things were fine until September of senior year when I started to lose weight drastically. I dropped 15 pounds. This is where the real heartbreak came in. At the time I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, but I realize now that the relationship was never what broke my heart. It was my health.
I isolated myself from many people. I'd lie in bed and think that everything would be over for me in the morning. I'd tell myself, "I'm just going to give up," but the problem was my mind never let me. I didn't know I had it in me to keep going. I cried myself to sleep most nights wishing I was different and wishing I was okay because everything hurt and I didn't know what to do anymore. I remember one night texting my sister and begging her to convince my mom to let me get the heart surgery to fix the ligament pressing down on my celiac.
A couple months down the road, I got that surgery. The night after my surgery I was lying in my bed when I felt my heart beating and I almost screamed with joy. I remember smiling from ear to ear and knowing that I would feel this feeling for the rest of my life.
I'm training for ROTC right now, and my trainer is definitely not putting me through easy exercises. During the exercises I sometimes wonder if I can actually do ROTC and not give up. Then there's this moment where I'm resting in between exercises and I can feel my heart beating and my pulse throughout my whole body. At that moment, I know I can do it. I can always do it, no matter what.
