At some point in your life, you’ve problem had someone tell you: “I’ve decided to go by a different name.” Whether it be first, middle or last, there are many reasons why someone may make this switch. One of the most common would be taking a partner’s name after marriage, but it will often occur for other reasons, such as gender transitioning, overall comfort, or significant changes in someone’s life (i.e. the death of a family member). It will happen to someone you know, or perhaps you yourself-- and there are many ways that you can make it easier on those who are going through this change. Names are incredibly important parts of people’s identities, and how they see themselves. By respecting and adhering to this name change, you can make their lives just a little bit better.
It’s also important to add that people have different relationships with their names. When women get married, they’ll often take their maiden names as their middle names (although the focus of this article will be mostly first names). Some people will refer to the first names they were given at birth “birth names” or “dead names” if they are very strongly against them. People will react differently to being called by names that aren’t their preferred ones (this is especially true in terms of transgender people)-- some more strongly than others. So, to be on the safe side, it’s usually better to use the name the person is more comfortable with.
It’s been almost three years now since I officially decided to go by a different name. There were many comments that did (and still do) come up when I mention my birth name. Here are some reasons why you might want to think about your comments before you say them.
I must also add that this is view of a name change by a cisgender individual. There are certainly more issues that can come up when a transgender person is changing their name, however sometimes these two can overlap.
1. Why did you decide to change your name?
This is the question I’m sure most people who have changed their name have heard. Why? And honestly? That’s an incredibly difficult question. Because a lot of the time, the answer you’re going to get isn’t going to be very satisfying. Of course, there will be reasons like: “I’m a boy, and I want to go by a name that makes me feel comfortable” or “I’m Americanizing this name because otherwise white people would mispronounce it”, but that won’t always be the case. I often feel like I need to make up big, fancy reasons why I changed my name, because otherwise, it wouldn’t be “justified.” Changing your name is always justified if you want it, no matter the case; it can be as simple as “Because I like this name better.”
I use to tell people that Regina was a family name (I’m Italian), but it really isn’t. I just preferred it. But I felt as though people wouldn’t take the name change seriously enough if there wasn’t some deep meaning behind it.
If you asked this, you probably meant no harm. And, honestly, I think it’s an alright question to ask-- just be prepared to have a less than satisfactory answer.
2. I like your old name better!
Again, probably not a comment anyone means to make maliciously. You may see it as a compliment; after all, you’re saying you like their name. But, for a lot of people who have changed their name, this can be a punch to the gut. Name changing usually comes with a lot of thought, and it might take a lot of courage to tell people that you prefer to go by another name. It might make the person question themselves if they’ve made the right decision or not. You could try something along the lines of “I think this name suits you!”
3. I’m going to keep forgetting! (and then make a big deal when they do forget)
People aren’t going to be able to be perfect all the time. People who change their names halfway through their lives are going to realize that. If people have been accustomed to calling you something, it will take a while to get used to it.
That being said, don’t make it all about you. If you call someone by the wrong name, correct yourself, apologize, and move on. If you make a big deal about it, it’s probably going to make the person feel worse. It may make them feel like they should have to apologize to you for giving you such a burden. I’m talking along the lines of: “Oh, but it’s just so hard for me!” It’s probably more hard for the poor person who keeps being called by the wrong name. Act like your mom when she accidentally calls you by your dog's name, and then your cat's name, and then your brother’s name; say the right name, say sorry, and continue with the conversation.
4. Is it okay if I just call you [birth name]?
Unless it’s for a legal or medical reason, probably not. Why should you get a pass? How would you feel if I asked to call you Slagthor?
5. When are you going to get your name legally changed?
Legally changing your name isn’t easy. A lot of people actually don’t end up legally changing their names, ever. Every person is different. It actually takes a bit of legal work and shelling out some cash and some people don’t have time for that. “Legal” name should only really matter when dealing with legal things. In everyday life, i.e. conversations between colleagues, it shouldn’t matter.
6. You’re disrespecting your parents by changing the name they gave you with love!
My parents aren’t always right about everything, i.e. liking Doc Martin, and they love me and should understand if I don’t like the name they picked out. It’s kind of like if they buy you a dress for your birthday and you don’t like it; they shouldn’t take it personally, you just know yourself better than they do.
When people use this comment against me in particular, I like to remind them that nobody actually knew my grandmother’s birth name until she died, including her husband and children, and that my grandfather pretended that his first name was his middle name for most of his adult life. We also changed our last name to something less Jewish when we came to the United States-- these things happen.
Let me just add one thing here at the end; if you’ve done one of these things before, you’re probably thinking to yourself: “Well, I didn’t mean any harm!” Of course, you didn’t! I doubt anyone would go out of their way to be malicious about this sort of thing. However, even if it’s unintentional, it may end up doing more harm than good. Think about who you are talking to and your relationship with the person before you make comments. That’s all there is to it.
