Netflix has recently unveiled what new additions will be available for streaming in the first month of 2017. Here’s five of my top and bottom picks. I’m calling them trash or treasure since they both form piles.
Trash:
Bee Movie (2007): The meme itself, uncut, un”every-time-they-say-bee”d, staying at one consistent speed. Jerry Seinfeld flies.
Nancy Drew (2007): I saw this as a child and all I can recall is little Nancy Drew stabbing a girl in the neck with a pen. If the rest of the movie is anything like that It might be pretty good.
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011): There was a sweet time frame where every joke seemed to end in Bieber. Now he’s hot and morally repugnant but his music is actually pretty good. Relive the days of hating tween Biebs at your leisure.
Alpha and Omega 7: The Big Fureeze (2016): I’m blown away. I remember many years ago watching a movie called “Alpha and Omega.” It was about a wolf pack divided into elite “Alphas” and lower “Omegas.” The main character was a scrawny wolf who wanted to get it with this Alpha wolf but of course was told not to by his friends and got beat down on by the other Alphas. I remember the 3D animation in that movie was awful. Everything moved weirdly and the backgrounds were completely empty except for the wolves. Things kept flying at the camera like it was supposed to be in 3D. There was this weird thing with the wolves always having this “hairstyle” where one eye was covered by the way their head fur tilted and almost half the wolves had it. It was a bizarre pile of garbage and now there’s a 7th one that seems to follow the others linearly.
iBOY (2017): This is a Netflix original with no reviews so I’m honestly just guessing. It’s got the title “iBOY.” It has a revenge-based plot about a kid who got his iPhone 4S lodged in his skull giving him Siri brain. There is very little chance it will be good.
Treasure:
Caddyshack (1980): It’s a comedy classic that’s coming to everyone’s favorite streaming service other than crime.
E.T. (1982): It’s on Netflix! I’m sure we can all remember some parody of that kid-on-bike-silhouette-over-the-moon scene somewhere or another and probably a lot of us have actually seen this movie. It’s got all the classic scenes: pouring Coke on the phone to mimic vomiting, making a candy trail, bike silhouette on the moon, glowing finger poke, and even that creepy stuff at the end where ET’s dying and tries to take the kid with him through alien soul-binding.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 11): It’s time to join Danny Devito in another game of Night Crawlers. A scripted comedy about a group of lovable jerks who run a bar and get into trouble. It features everyone’s favorite gremlin and there are even a few scenes across the whole show where he’s naked.
A Series of Unfortunate Events (Season 1): This was an incredible book series about orphans who just can’t catch a break. They had one okay movie in the 2000s but it only covered the first few books. Hopefully this Netflix original series will do it justice.
Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016): Smoothly riding the hype of 2015’s Star Wars: The Force Awakens, this next addition to the Sharknado series is an ironically hilarious classic now fermented across three sequels. I can only imagine how delectably horrible it will be now that the directors have had time to reflect and will probably try to intentionally make the movie bad to pander to those who like the Sharknados ironically. It has an 18% on Rotten Tomatoes and I am very excited.
Ending note: I went too deep into exploring CGI Balto (Alpha and Omega). Images are from Alpha and Omega (2010), Alpha and Omega: The Legend of Saw Tooth Cave, and Alpha and Omega: Dino Digs. Happy Holidays.
