I look back through memories of my girlfriend and I, visibly able to see one thing fading with each click.
The captions became thought out, the expressions became more genuine, every aspect feeling more and more genuine. We lost this, we found each other.
Formality
1. The rigid observance of rules of convention or etiquette.
2. Stiffness of behavior or style.
3. A thing that is done simply to comply with requirements of etiquette, regulations or custom.
And in my experience over the past three years, both being in and observing relationships, the presence (or lack of) this one attribute can make or break a pair.
1. Walls
It sounds so contradictory to think that so many people’s gut instinct when starting a relationship is to put up as many walls as possible. What can I cover up with a bottle of foundation or an uncomfortable chuckle? Looking back on the first stages of my relationship, I see it all; small talk that went in no direction, anger, sadness or frustration hidden behind the words “Oh, I’m fine.”
As our relationship grew longer, the walls crumbled. Talks became deeper, moments more meaningful, connections further rooted.
2. Aesthetic
Picture me, November 26, 2013. I’m a high school junior. My room is a mess. I’ve picked up and put down the same pair of shoes three times. I’ve put on an outfit and changed twice. Are jeans too casual? Are khakis too formal? Should I ask her what she’s wearing? No, no. That’s weird. She’ll think I’m too clingy. Or weird.
Picture me, July 15, 2016. I’ve worn a different combination of athletic shorts and a ratty T-shirt to Caitlin’s house three days in a row. Two of those days I didn’t wear shoes.
There are obviously always the moments. The moments where we strap on our nice clothes, shower and remind each other that both do in fact still look like those people we see in pictures on Instagram. Remind each other that we are both absolutely worth the time and effort to look nice for (I just don’t go into an existential crisis over shoes in these moments anymore).
3. Expectations
Formality: “A thing that is done simply to comply with requirements of etiquette, regulations, or custom.”
Too often have I seen someone cherry-pick their decisions in their relationship based solely on the past experiences of friends or the standards set forth by society or certain people groups.
Friends say, “Don’t say that, he won’t like that”
Hide your first instincts.
Cosmo says, “Always act confident”
Don’t show him you are weak, don’t let him see you might be broken.
Seventeen says, “Never start by showing interest”
Cover up your passions or feign apathy.
This doesn’t sound like too great of advice, does it? Or advice that will build a strong foundation for a relationship.
Bottom line: No one can possibly be able to give you specific and successful advice or guidelines because no one situation or relationship is ever the same. Trust yourself, let go of the other voices in your head and gear every direction in your relationship with your own internal compass.
Make your own decisions. Wear a comfy T-shirt. Share your deepest darkest secrets.
Why not?
Lose the formality.
You never know what you might find along the way.
I found my best friend, my favorite person and the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.
For reference, a picture of Caitlin and I.
Photo by Brianna Weiss
