What you drink says a lot about you; almost as much as where you're drinking it. Maybe you're at the hottest club, dancing the night away. Maybe you're at the hole-in-a-wall bar having a delightful conversation with the bartender who resembles your grandfather. Maybe you're home alone, surrounded by your six cats, eating an entire bag of pizza rolls. I don't know. I'm not here to judge.
Wine
Wine drunk is the kind of drunk everyone wants to be/have around. The wine drinker is bubbly, sweet, and gives out the best compliments. It’s also the classiest drunk even when they’re drinking out of a box, because, well…it’s still wine.
Wine Coolers
Not to be confused with wine, this person is drinking a juice box with a 5% alcohol content. Mike’s Hard Lemonade is not an exception, either. This person has graduated to neither beer nor liquor, so they’re stuck in the sickly sweet purgatory that is a wine cooler, and within five minutes is telling everyone around them their deepest and darkest secrets while crying.
Gin
You’re very classy. Possibly an international spy. Possibly a grandmother. Either way, you’re a martini lover and know that a gin and tonic is the perfect end to a long day of crime fighting. Or knitting.
Vodka
You’re probably a freshman. Either that or you haven’t learned your favorite liquor yet, so you want to drink just enough to justify all the mistakes that you’ll inevitably make that night. The vodka drinker will most likely spend the next day laying in bed and crying over their poor decisions in a hangover from hell.
Beer
Beer is what you drink when you’re already drunk and also down to your last $5. Or you’re day drinking and have to keep going all day long. Or you’re bonging off the frat house roof. Or you’re taking a shower.
Tequila
Tequila drinkers are balls-to-the-wall crazy. They don’t take no for an answer and are probably the ones who end the night singing “Drunk in Love” on top of the bar. They aren’t sipping on tequila because they like the taste…they want to get drunk and they want it to happen NOW. This friend is a tad shambly and a lot of fun. And yes, I made up the word shambly, but you can imagine that it’s truly a perfect description of a girl on a mission with tequila in hand. Tequila to kill ya!
Whiskey
Bourbon
Drinking bourbon screams that you probably have a trust fund and the bottle comes with a starter pack of Vineyard Vines Ts, boat shoes, and a “my dad will sue you” mentality. Also, you demand that it be served with only one ice cube because you simply cannot water down your 100-year aged Bourbon.
Rum
Rum is spring break in a bottle. It is filled with mistakes, regret, and sand in places sand should never be. It is a delicious flavor that tempts you with its pretty bottle, and like a siren, it will wreck you.
Champagne
If you’re a champagne drinker, then you most likely belong to a country club, and you’re sporting a $400 handbag. Also, you wouldn’t be caught in a dive bar; you prefer VIP at the most elite club. Either that or you’re on vacation in Mexico and downing mimosas like it’s nobody’s business.
Schnapps
You’re a foreign exchange student from Germany. This is the only acceptable scenario in which Schnapps is a favorite.
Jäger
I don’t know what kind of animal you are. You probably don’t actually know how to spell jäger, but you do know how to scream that you want it from across the bar. You might have a fake ID and you definitely have a “bro.”
So whether you drink a classy glass of wine or bong beer after beer, at least, you're having a good time doing it.
