What Your Addiction Did To Me

After more than 2 years and countless attempts to help you – I threw up my hands.

I never thought I’d walk away.
Although, you gave me a million reasons to.

I gave it my all.
I trusted you completely.
I gave you my best.
I know I wasn’t perfect but I tried.

You lied to me.
You disrespected me.
You betrayed me.
Your addiction tore through our life like a tornado and destroyed everything in its path.

Every dream I ever had I wasted on you.
Every amazing moment I’ve had over the last 5 years has been with you, and every heart wrenching and soul crushing memory has been because of you.
I didn’t want this for my life- for our daughter’s life.

This isn’t the life I imagined.
This isn’t what it was supposed to be.
You took that from us.

Every time I walked away I only wanted you to see what you’d lose.
I wanted that to be enough for you to change, but change can’t come from what you do or don’t have – it comes from within.

Truth is you don’t love yourself enough to do the right thing.
You don’t care enough about your own life to stop the destruction.

Now it’s over and there are a million new obstacles I’m facing.
Trying to explain to our 3-year-old why you and her brother aren’t around.
Having to make excuses for why you haven’t called or come to see her.
I get the full blown frustration of a hurting little girl, because I am the one that walked away.
I am a single mom.
I worry of the people that may try to come into my life because of what you did to me.
I can barely take a joke I used to laugh for hours over with a chuckle, because it's all too painful.

You choosing to rely on your own defenses demolished us.
I know that I left, but you gave me no other choice.
I begged you to be honest- to just tell me the truth.
I tried to get you help, but you didn't want to do the work to change.

I’m not the same person I used to be.
Some ways I’m better, but mostly I’m just broken.

You made your addiction my problem when you pulled me into your world.

What you did to me left me feeling unworthy, unloved, disgraced,and like I was never enough.

You left me exposed, degraded, devalued, and dirty.
All for your pleasure.

I trust no one.
And
You ruined me.

While you walk around playing the victim.
Proclaiming a small truth about your problem but refusing to change.
I am going to try and rise above the pain and wounds you've inflicted.