Few people understand what it is like to have a mind that does not stop. You have those moments when your mind races. It’s out of control. You can’t focus on just one thing. Your heart feels like it is going to beat right out of your chest. Your breathing becomes rapid, and you’re gasping for air. Your fingers begin to feel cold and numb. Panic sets in, and you literally feel like you’re going to die. The cause? You just walked into a crowded room. That’s it. But sometimes the cause is unknown. Sometimes you can't even figure out what has made you feel something so incredibly scary in the first place. And that's even scarier.
Having a mind that doesn't stop is incredibly scary. Thoughts of doubt and worry cross my mind on a daily basis, and I can't shut them off. Thoughts whirl around my head, and I struggle to grab on to one. Anxiety is debilitating. It is difficult to focus. It is difficult to concentrate. It is difficult to smile when the worries of today, yesterday and the rest of my life are running through my head all at once. But no one can see it. It's not like someone with an open cut or a broken arm. No one knows that I am struggling.
Anxiety is incredibly isolating. Fear always surrounds me. I worry about anything and everything. My mind constantly tells me that I am not good enough, and people don't understand. They don't understand why I can't talk on the phone or be in a crowd. They don't understand that feeling of panic when the center of attention is on me. I cancel plans every time I make them because the fear of actually executing them is too great. I can't explain why I don't feel like going out on a Friday night, and I am usually called things like “lame” and “boring.” I try to tell people that I have anxiety. Their response? “Oh, you just need to relax more.”
I want people to understand that anxiety is a mental illness. It is not an excuse. It is not just worrying about a test or stressing about school presentations. Anxiety overwhelms me. Anxiety plagues my every action and haunts my every thought. Telling me to "calm down" or "relax more" does not help. Believe me. If I could just "calm down" or "relax more," then I would do it in a heartbeat. But that's not how this works. I don't tell you all of these things to feel sorry for me or to make excuses for my actions. I tell you these things because the world needs to be more informed and more accepting of these illnesses.
I want people to also understand that anxiety is not a personality trait. It is an illness I am struggling with, but it does not define me. The world needs to understand that I have anxiety, but I am not my anxiety.
