As a young girl, I didn’t know what an alcoholic was or that you were even one. I just noticed your actions were completely different in the morning and at night. As I got older, I realized what was going on. I remember mom telling me to ask you to stop drinking because if you were going to listen to anyone, it would be me. As I stepped into your room and asked you to stop, you looked at me and threw your beer in the trash. I had sigh of relief and I felt as if how I felt mattered. That was until the next day, when I heard the sound of the clink from opening a new beer. I wish you knew that at such a young age, I now knew you didn’t care much about what I had to say.
After mom had enough of all the anger you repeatedly let out under the influence, she decided it no longer became a safe place for me. We didn’t even tell you, we just moved little bits when we had the chance when you were at the bar so we wouldn’t upset you. I wish you knew that this wasn’t easy, but I was left with no choice. Once everything was practically gone, you knew what was going on and immediately took everything to court. After losing custody all four times, you were hurt and as your daughter I was too, but I wish you knew all you had to have done was stop drinking and I wouldn’t be so scared to live with you.
I remember spending almost every weekend with you. We spent it eating pizza, watching movies and talking about life. Our relationship got so much stronger as I got older knowing I only have one dad so I needed to make the most out of it. After finally getting comfortable around you, I remember asking one more time as a teenager. “Have you ever thought about stopping drinking?” You looked at me and said, “I know I’m going to die with a beer in my hand, Katie.” I wish you knew, this statement brought me so much sadness, but it was also when I chose to give up on you.
When high school graduation came around you told me you’d be there. Even though you weren’t able to make it to any of my promotions this was the big one. I had hoped you would be there. I remember walking off stage to grab my phone, excited to be congratulated by you. Instead, I got congratulated through a text with a picture of your swollen feet that was caused by so much alcohol consumption. Saying, “Sorry I couldn’t make it, but I am so proud of you.” I wish you knew that I broke down in tears while everyone was enjoying one of the happiest days of their lives, but I still told you “it was okay.”
After I lost you I thought of so much I could have told you. I never told you it felt like you picked alcohol over me and over yourself. You let it completely consume your heath, your actions and who you really were. I wish you knew that you would have left my life too early on because of alcohol. I wish you knew that my life has become so much harder every day because you are not here. I wish you knew exactly how I felt and how much I need you today because if you did, I wonder if you would then have chosen to stop drinking.
