I’ve lost plenty of people in my lifetime, including my great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers. I know what grief feels like, but what I feel now feels nothing like what that was. It’s painful. It makes me want to spit acid in your face. It’s grief for someone who isn’t gone for good – someone who left us, hanging out to dry like laundry.

I don’t know why it happens the way it does. I know in life that people can change—that’s to be expected. It just hurts when someone changes so drastically that they lose sight of who they are and so do the people around them. I’m never going to name you in this article, but I just needed to get my feelings out in the open, so maybe I won’t be so emotional at Mike and Maggie’s wedding.

You screwed up, and we all know it. You look like absolute Hell, which I guess means karma is real. Aunt Rita is looking damn good, and you look like a damn fool, which, duh, of course you are one for leaving.

Uncle Jeff is a class-freaking-act. He shook your hand and said it was good to see you. Whether that’s a lie or not is completely beyond me. We all miss you, which must be some sick joke.

My dad worked his tail off to get into what you called “Guy’s Town”, and then you went and left and screwed it all up. I have one uncle left on this side. I used to have three. What is with that?

“I could sock ya and love ya,” as M said. And can’t forget what Nunny said, “I thought I was a good judge of character, but I guess I was wrong.”

I can’t even look at your pictures hanging around Nunny’s house. I can’t even call you your shortened name – it literally has to be your full name whenever I type it out. You were my freaking uncle, my godfather. With everything that’s happened in my life... I thought you were going to come up to school and do right by me, and we all know what I’m talking about. But what now?

I cried for you, multiple times, even right now. I cried like a baby to Aunt Laura at Easter. I guess it really sank into me then that it was over. It’s so messed up, you know? You have been together for longer than you were apart, and you messed it all up. And for what?

I’ll be quite frank with y’all. It hurts and it absolutely sucks. No one knows what to say, including me. When we talk about it, we all get tears in our eyes. I wish I never had to see you again because all I really want to do is run up and hug you because that’s what you should do with an uncle and godfather, but I can’t. Even though I really want to. Even though I really do miss having you in my life.