Understanding the bizarre and strange queer community can sometimes be difficult, it’s OK you’re not the only one who thinks so. Even gay people don’t understand gay people, it’s impossible! Folks of the LGBTQ+ community are almost too complicated for their own good. Like, do you see how many letter there are now? And they added a plus! Just how many more of them are there?! Fear not though, that’s why I’m here, as a representative of this community as a gay male, to explain to you what to do if a loved one comes out of the closet to you.
1. Bake Them A Cake
Who doesn’t love cake? Not queers. Gay, bi, trans, you name it: we are OBSESSED with cake. Especially the rainbow confetti assortment. After we come out to you, please have one ready to go within an hour for us to eat at our surprise coming out party.
2. Surprise Coming Out Parties
Not only was it a total shock that we came out (surprise, bitch!), but imagine the startled look on our face when we walk into our own house to find a hundred people there to accept us through the art of surprise partying!
3. Give Them All Your Money
Being gay is hard. Some queer people lose their jobs because of how they sexually identify. Trans people have a lot of extra medical steps to take just to feel comfortable in their own body. A lot of these people experience such heavy mental abuse that they are forced to enter therapy just so they can get out of bed in the morning. Please give us all of your money so we can afford to not have a job and still feel good about ourselves.
4. Book Them A Vacation With Ellen DeGeneres
It doesn’t matter where we’re going. All that matters is that you pay for it and we get to spend a week with the Original Lesbian.
5. Do All Their Homework
Being gay can be distracting because we’re so close to the Devil. This makes it hard for us to complete our homework, especially since he is always whispering evil things in our ear, mostly about who to murder and how to get away with it. Why do you think Annalise Keating is such an expert? Satan.
6. Buy Them 36 Puppies
A few puppies are not enough to satisfy us. If we’re a gay man then we want to have sex with every guy, if we’re a gay woman we want to take every girl to bed, if we’re bisexual then we have a craving for anyone that looks at us. Being queer means being selfish. We are greedy and we demand at least 36 puppies.
7. Give Them A Tattoo
Take your new gay bff to the nearest tattoo parlor and pay the artist to smack a rainbow on their bicep, or even Ian McKellen’s face on their back. We love to stand out, that’s why we’re gay; we want attention.
It doesn’t matter which of these things you choose to do for a loved one who comes out to you. However, it does matter that you absolutely do NOT commit the following:
1. Make The Situation About You
Coming out is an extremely sensitive and nerve-wracking thing to do. If you’re straight in today’s society then there’s “nothing wrong with you.” If you’re gay, bi, trans, etc., then you have something to fear because society does not like you. I’m telling you right now, if you never have to come out as queer in your life, you will never know the amount of pressure and courage involved with this “simple” task. Coming out requires bravery, confidence and endless support. Sometimes it’s hard to measure how supportive people will be, but I guarantee that if everyone is nothing but loving and supportive to anyone they know who comes out then that will be the day the world quits caring about who people prefer to sleep with.
Getting angry, feeling betrayed, cutting off communication, hurting them, physically or mentally, is making this situation about you. If you get offended at someone who comes out to you because they “didn’t trust you enough” to tell you sooner, you are disgusting. Clearly you do not understand the amount of bravery and confidence it takes to accept yourself as gay in a culture that calls stupid things “gay,” and you definitely do not know what it means to be supportive. Hell, you don’t know what it means to love, and I feel sorry for you.
But no, I’m not making this about you. This is about me, about us, about our right. And we cannot stay silent.
