I’ve had depression for over 10 years now. When I moved to my college town, I made it a point not to tell anyone. Not to mention my depression. Not to mention my self harm. Not to mention anything from my past whatsoever. Even some of my very best friends that I’ve made at this school still don’t even know.
A few years ago, nobody really understood what depression, self-harm, and anxiety really was. It wasn't as common as it is now. I feel as though now when someone mentions having a mental disorder, nobody believes them because there's some sort of "fad" going on about it lately.
I feel like it gets overlooked now more than it ever has before because, for some reason, there’s this fad about being depressed and having anxiety. To people who actual do struggle with it, it’s embarrassing. This is what I want people to understand about depression.
It's not a stage.
"It's just because you're in college" or "everyone has issues." Those are phrases I've heard multiple times. But no. I've dealt with depression and self-harm since I was 12-years-old. It's not a stage. It's something that I'm going to live with forever.
Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there.
There's a lot of photography out there about depression. A lot of them show a "happy mask" being put over a person who has a crying face. It represents that just because someone seems okay on the outside, doesn't mean you know whats going on on the inside.
I've always been known as the girl who is the crazy, loud, adventurous, weird one of my friends, so nobody really expects it to be from me. It's because I cover it up. So just because someone appears to be tough and mighty, doesn't necessarily mean they want to be. It's because they have to be.
It's something that is always there.
Forever and always it will be there. In the back of your mind, it's always there. Small things will trigger it. You can go days without feeling it, but then you can go a week with it overwhelming you.
It's not something we can turn on and off.
Sometimes, it just comes out of nowhere. One moment you're enjoying your time with your friends, then the next minute something just switches and you get in a terrible mood. People say "snap out of it" or "quit being dramatic" when essentially, you can't. You try, but the only thing that you really want to do is sit in your room and watch TV or sleep for a week.
I guess I just want people to know that the girl who is always happy, who jumps around and dances at every moment, who looks like she is so in love with life…actually isn’t. And that depression is not something this world needs to take lightly anymore. Not just with myself, but with everyone who struggles with it.
The biggest rock and supporter I’ve had for the past 7 years has been To Write Love On Her Arms. It is a non-profit organization to spread awareness about depression, self-harm, anxiety, and suicide. www.twloha.com
