Recovery from an eating disorder is difficult. It is a strenuous journey that takes years. Depending on the severity of the eating disorder, some people are unable to ever recover fully and have to continue fighting every day. My therapist always told me that it would be difficult, but I didn't understand just how until now. Recovery for me didn't start until I was about a year into my treatment, it didn't start until I was in a strong enough physical and mental shape.
Recovery is not all inspirational quotes, and fuzzy feelings. It is strenuous and painful. It is hating your body more than you ever did. It is not fitting into your clothes and watching your body change and become unrecognizable. It is crying over old pictures of yourself and wanting to just die. It's not all friendly and supportive, it leaves you feeling the loneliest you will ever feel. Recovery is feeling lost, it is relapse, it is failure and it is the most rewarding this you will ever do.
Recovery is giving yourself a second life. It is becoming stronger than all of your demons and creating yourself. It is worth all the pain and suffering, it is worth all the time and effort it takes. Recovery is empowering and powerful. It is the worst and best moments of your life, a journey you will remember forever. It isn't warm and fuzzy, recovery is much deeper; it is hope and self-acceptance. Recovery is a profound experience, no matter how difficult and straining it is, it will always be worth it.
Recovery is better than an eating disorder. Eating disorders are sitting on a bathroom floor holding a toothbrush and crying. It is laying awake in bed because you can feel your stomach eating itself. Eating disorders are not being able to walk up a flight of stairs without pausing, not being able to concentrate and blacking out. Being willing to die in order to be thin, sacrificing everything no matter the consequences. Eating disorders are deadly. Recovery is not.
Recovery is choosing life, and life is always worth it. No matter how difficult, no matter how many nights you cry yourself to sleep, or how fat you feel; it is always worth it. The idea of recovery may feel like an empty promise, but it is real, even just partial recovery is better than nothing. Recovery is worth it because you are always worth it. Be a survivor.
