Recently, the campus had quite a bit of a scare. Apparently, clowns were spotted in the woods and later behind Littell. The police showed up, students barricaded their doors, groups banded together for survival. So what the heck has got everyone riled up? Well, it’s not just Oneonta, rest assured. All of America has recently been stricken with a kind of clown hysteria. The new remake of Stephen King’s It will be well received, I’m sure. But how did it start and why the devil is everyone so terrified of these circus creeps?

This whole crazy catastrophe started in South Carolina in late August. Rumors spread like wildfire that clowns were attempting to lure children into the woods. Claims of terrifying ghoulish clowns began to surface nationwide, from Pennsylvania to Ohio to Wisconsin. Hoaxes have sprung up everywhere of masked terrors trying to kidnap children, kill innocent people, and terrorize neighborhoods.

Police have made few arrests, as most of these cases are in fact false and simply pranks. Social media has ignited, with fake accounts showing up, spawned by apparent “Clown Killers.” These accounts post randomly, urging schools and homes to lock their doors and hide their kids, for the clowns are coming to get them. Police are shutting down said accounts, but it is not easy to staunch the clown infection.

A panic has seized most people, with parents refusing to let their children outside, schools receiving threats from parents and clowns alike to close for a while, and innocent college students terrified to even go to the library. Some districts are banning the sale of clown masks for the upcoming Halloween, while clever businesses are selling shirts stating “If you dress as a clown for Halloween, I swear to God I will shank you.” Charming.

So why does everyone seem to hate clowns? Certainly they don’t have an evil background (ignoring Tim Curry’s wretched performance as the petrifying Pennywise), but yet humans worldwide seem to seriously dislike clowns. Psychologists think that the reason is because of the clown’s infamous makeup. Such heavy masks disguise the clown’s true identity.

Humans find clowns so internally unsettling because the clown can be anyone; it’s easier to be unafraid if one’s face is easily visible. Hence the primal fear of the circus loonies. And when those feared goblins come lurking and scaring, paranoia is not too far behind. While there have been no incidents of serious injury or death, the fun is just beginning if this continues. The White House even gave a statement trying to calm the public.

A royal fiasco, this whole thing is. Elaborate hoaxes played by some very DUMB teenagers. Alas, everyone’s on edge. Rumors are spreading, fears are being blown out of proportion, and people think they need to carry knifes and guns to feel safe. Sounds kind of familiar, in a hysterical, nonsensical sort of way.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: those people that actually are clowns. I can’t even imagine their pain and suffering. Spending their whole lives to try to convince children and adults alike that they aren’t scary, only for that to be unraveled in a few short weeks.

Saddening and maddening, for sure. Please, don’t freak out. Don’t feed into the panic seizing the country. Respect your clown brethren, and curse out those foul imitators. And maybe wait a bit before you go see the new It remake…