Following the publication of my article on common evangelical and LGBT+ phraseology, a friend asked whether I planned on writing anything about what SHOULD be said in order to improve communication. I stopped for a moment, dumbfounded. I hadn’t even considered it. Nonetheless, what my friend suggested struck me heavily. Conversations, after all, require things to say, not just topics to avoid. Beneficial conversations and relationships in particular cannot exist without this kind of input. I realized that completely addressing phraseology between LGBT+ persons and Christian evangelicals (I am working on specifying my labels considering the Christian church’s complexity and diversity) meant discussing how each group could begin building bridges, rather than only learning how they were burning them down.

I pulled out my laptop, sat, and mused over where I should begin.

Nothing came to mind.

I wracked my brain for simple, easily employable phrases which my Christian friends, family, and readers could use. A few came to mind, however, they each boiled down to forms of changing one’s theology for the sake of bettering communication. While I certainly support open-mindedness to biblical re-evaluation, especially in the Christian-LGBT+ issue, this request felt inappropriate. I needed to supply tangible routes for reconciliation which did not rely on eventual affirmation of LGBT+ topics. Requiring such theological change simply to improve interaction would mean indulging in the same communication-inhibitors I had condemned weeks prior.

There had to be a better way.

I reflected on the positive conversations I had experienced with traditionalist evangelicals over LGBT+ issues and Christian theology. What distinguished them from memorably benign or negative interactions? The answer was rather humorous. What they said was drastically outweighed by their willingness to say nothing at all, at least for a moment. Open ears and hearts had left a greater impression on our interactions than any number of words.

Listening, genuine listening, is a powerful tool of communication. Unfortunately, however, it is painfully foreign to many of the present dialogues between Christians and the LGBT+ community, admittedly from both parties. There is a great deal of hearing and seldom any listening. Listening, then, is the greatest addition to any conversation, interaction, or fellowship hoping to undo division. Like any middle school teacher will tell you, however, listening means going beyond hearing.

Great conversations involve people willing to put aside their responses and beliefs, at least for a few moments, in order to fully receive the thoughts of others. How often have you felt hurt by those who immediately respond to your thoughts as though they never listened in the first place? When listeners spend their time formulating how to respond, regardless of their best intentions, they may only be hearing. Christians trying to “bridge the gap” should purposefully engaging in conversations where their LGBT+ peers can fully express their thoughts and stories without immediate opposition. That isn’t to say these disagreements must not occur. Disagreement can, will, and often must take place. However, the way in which Christian’s express these differences can greatly alter their impact. Many in the LGBT+ community only witness evangelical interest in their voices for the sake of opposing and disregarding their thoughts and stories. While most intend for these remarks to benefit or correct misguided individuals, they still convey disinterest in the lives, struggles, and thoughts of LGBT+ persons. People hoping for compassionate ears begin feeling perceived as merely another project in need of fixing. Personal interactions with traditionalist Christians willing to listen for listening’s sake overturn this unfortunate history and build towards mutually beneficial communication.

Great conversations require an openness to learning. Positive communication with LGBT+ individuals may require opening oneself to new information or perspectives. Shallow understandings of LGBT+ lives, beliefs, and struggles are rampant among Christian communities. This generates a certain false sense of familiarity that can bar dialogs with real, living, breathing people. Christians engaging the LGBT+ community are not called to “openness” of immediate and universal affirmation. However, if they desire better interactions with their LGBT+ neighbors, they are called to “openness” in refusing to begin their conversations with a disregarding attitude. “Openness,” in this case, means choosing to contemplate rather than dismiss. It means setting aside preconceived notions of how a certain community functions, how certain people live, or what they believe in favor of learning what may be more accurate. Beneficial communication is founded on an attitude that even those with whom you disagree may have something valuable for you to hear or learn.

Lastly, great conversations require work, both to find them and prepare for them. Substantial interactions with LGBT+ persons are uncommon in most evangelical communities, even less common with those who purposefully identify under the label of LGBT+, and even fewer with those who identify as both LGBT+ and Christian. Consequently, there is a desperate need for Christians to actively seek conversations with these foreign neighbors and to understand the realities which they face. Traditionalist evangelicals wanting to build bridges must seek places to build and work to understand what created and upholds this modern division. Seek out our stories. Learn about our struggles and beliefs. Work to find those whose voices you may have never heard before. This kind of compassionate enthusiasm to understand the hurt and the hurting ought to define the body of Christ, and when practiced, it has impacted my conversations with fellow Christian more than I can express.

I cannot promise that listening is easy. I cannot promise that it will never be uncomfortable. I cannot promise that everyone will want to talk, even if you desire to listen. However, I can promise that there are many who hunger for the opportunity to speak. I can promise that conviction and understanding can be sought and held in the same hand without compromise. I can promise that the only way for evangelicals to heal the divide between themselves and their LGBT+ neighbors is through a culture permeated with open hearts and ears. Sometimes the most useful words are the few noble remarks of humble openness to listen and learn. From my own experience, they are “sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24).