When I was in elementary school, I wore the craziest clothing. And when I say crazy, I mean over-the-top, drenched in color, out-loud clothing. Picture this: flared out jeans, a white turtleneck sprinkled with different colored stars, and a knitted poncho (yep, you read that right, a poncho) thrown over. And this wasn’t just any poncho - it was a rainbow-knit poncho.
It couldn’t have gotten much worse.
But in a way, I miss it. While I believe I’ve now acquired a different kind of confidence, one that I’ve worked hard for, I miss how carefree and insanely confident I was. I miss the way I had absolutely no doubt about who I was and where I belonged in the world. I spoke my mind without ever hesitating, and if people didn’t like it, then I didn’t like them.
As we grow up, especially now in a world where it’s almost impossible to avoid social expectations, society starts to mold us into what we think the world wants us to be. We categorize ourselves into these boxes that we all actually despise. Yet every time someone ventures out, we punish them- by either bullying, shunning, or some other way that will corral them back into their respective box.
The world is a tough place to be, and with each year that passes, we toughen up to be a part of it. We lose most of our imagination, our ability to think outside the box and our creativity. We lose the skills that allowed us to just simply be, and live like we did as children.
When I think of who I was before I became too self-aware, I remember my younger self as a free spirit, someone with an out-of-control imagination that wasn’t afraid to be undeniably myself. While I still have that creative spark and active imagination, something inside me has changed. I know what it’s like to try so hard to be something that you’re not, to be something that doesn’t quite fit you. Society tries to fit you into this cookie cutter shape. If you don’t think a certain way, or act a certain way, or look a certain way, then you’re either weird or just asking for attention.
I do everything I can to hold on to that carefree part of myself and to gain back that confidence. I’ve succeeded in a way and failed in another. I’ve held on to my imagination and creativity, but I’m still embarrassed to be completely open about it. I want to have that insane confidence, but I try to dial it down because society has led me to believe that I’m not supposed to like myself too much because then I’m considered “bossy” or “annoying.”
I believe 100 percent that I do have a unique personality and way of looking at things. A lot of people who’ve known me in the past (and not very well) may not think so, but they’ve probably never stopped to wonder about who I really am beneath the front I usually put up. The one that the world would rather see. And I know I’m not the only one who puts on a good face for everyone else, who tries to act like everyone else so they aren’t spotlighted for being different. But why do we let society decide if how we look or think is acceptable?
Maybe I don’t fit into just one category, or maybe I stray outside society’s expectations. But being who I am is much more important than if I’m deemed agreeable or good enough by society’s standards.
My younger self had it right - be who you are and never apologize for it. Accept people for who they are, and understand when they’re frustrated. Everyone has their own battles.
Regardless of what anyone thinks, I think I’m pretty cool. With or without a rainbow knit poncho.
