I often wonder what life would be like if I had just done that one small thing differently. If I had said yes to playing tag with the other kids at recess. If I said yes to the ceaseless amounts of peer pressure. If only I talked to that person. If only I took that class instead of this class. If only I chose the other college instead of this one. If only I picked my friends a little more carefully. If only.
It has me thinking quite intently about how different my life could be. Would I be an all-star athlete if I played basketball at the park every day? Would I be a celebrated kid-genius if I paid attention in science class? Who knows, but one thing I am sure of: I am all that I am right now, and that’s never going to change.
All that I am in this current moment is all I will ever be. I’m not my future self, not yet. I’m not my past self because those moments are behind me, and I have the power to change the outcome of any decision. I can never go back and take back the mistakes, or rewards, of my yesterdays. And I certainly can’t pull a Marty McFly and jump forward into the future to make sure I become something I’m not.
I am all that I am in this present moment and I’m sitting here writing to you, while listening to whatever song comes on shuffle, and drinking cold coffee. Yeah, this is who I am. But what would I become if I got a hot latte instead of an iced, would I still use cream? What would happen to me if I didn’t come to this coffee shop, but instead went elsewhere? If I only I introduced myself to that person in high school, would he still have shot himself? If only I was more outspoken, would I have ended bullying against groups of people in grade school? If only I had told my family what I really think, if only I lived up to my potential as a college student, if only I accepted that internship, where would I be?
There are a million different scenarios for a million different decisions I’ve made in life. I believe we all have these regrets, moments, and events, where we wonder to ourselves “I wonder what would’ve happened if only I…” And I will tell you this about every one of those moments:
Don’t let the past or future dictate the life you live in the present. You alone have the power to make whatever you dream about at night turn into a reality during the day. Take action in making sure you never look back and regret, but instead look back knowing that you did all that you could.
I am learning to not hold any faith about the future. The future is too unknown to have any idea of what it could be. Opportunities can be stripped from us in an instant. The past, however, never wants us to let go. The past will bear its claws in us like a toddler to its mother, but we must learn to pry them loose less they drag us to the ground. I am slowly learning to put all my effort into the present moment. I now treat each passing second as the last second I’ll ever know. The future is too distant, and the past too near, but the present is just the right distance. Hold no faith or worry about the past decisions, for they were made and made you, don’t ever feel regret for the person you are becoming. You’re the only person who is you, and that is the only truth.
“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, 'It might have been'.”
-Kurt Vonnegut
