Every year as fall comes to a close we find ourselves surrounded by the joy and festivities that the holidays bring. It’s almost impossible to avoid hearing Vince Guaraldi’s "Charlie Brown Christmas" or watching heart-warming classics like "Elf" or "The Grinch" on TV at least once between October and January.
What makes this time of year so undeniably special? Is it the fridge stocked with spiked eggnog? Is it presents? Is it the suspicious look in your great-aunt’s eyes as she passes you the mashed potatoes and asks you what you’ve really been doing at college and if you have a plan for after graduation? No! Though each of these holiday treasures may warm the cockles of your cold and hardened heart, the true meaning of Christmas can be boiled down to a basic formula found in almost every Christmas movie ever made.
1. Jude Law and other people with really nice teeth:
Every Christmas movie (and every family, it seems) has got at least one.
2. A Scrooge, Grinch, or Krampus:
It’s statistically proven that humans are much more likely to enjoy themselves during the holidays when one cynical member of the extended family continuously gripes about too much holiday cheer, the increased prevalence of the capitalistic mentality which promotes the desire to buy in order to fill a void, and how their toast always seems to fall butter-side down during the Christmas season.
3. Cookies:
Must I explain why cookies are an essential part of the holiday season?
4. Cheesy pop covers of classic holiday songs:
If I started my day without the familiar greeting of the melodic first notes of Mariah Carrey’s "All I Want For Christmas" or a Boyz II Men rendition of "Here Comes Santa Clause," would it really be Christmas? It certainly isn’t the case in any Christmas movie, so why would I expect anything less out of my own life?
5. Attempting (and failing) to put up a functional Christmas tree:
Movies make this simple task seem next to impossible. In the movies "Elf" or "Christmas Vacation" for example, the characters are faced with various shenanigans and obstacles when putting up their trees. In reality, it's really as easy as going out into the woods, cutting down a tree with a dull ax or saw, dragging it out of aforementioned woods, tying it to the top of your car, slamming on the breaks when a cat runs into the street causing the tree to slide off the front of the car, getting out of the car to drag the tree out of the way of traffic, retying the tree and continuing the drive home, unloading it at home, extracting the tree of its spiders, intending to string up some lights, untangling said lights, trying for a second time to string up the lights, getting frustrated because half the bulbs are burnt out, going to the store last minute to find a new string of lights, finding out the store is sold out of all lights except for the tacky ones shaped like snowmen and reindeer, buying them anyway, going back home and stringing up the tacky lights, getting out the step stool to put up the star (or angel), almost slipping off the step stool and twisting your ankle, and finally sitting back to rest your ankle while you tell others where to place the best ornaments. It’s really just that simple.
6. Time spent together with the ones we love:
In all of the best Christmas movies everybody is smiling and laughing; playing outside and enjoying the family snowball fight until your brother “accidentally” hits you in the eye with a chunk of ice. Then you’re crying and everybody is rushing inside to make a quick fire and some hot cocoa to remedy the situation. Your mother promises you that Santa is bringing your brother nothing but coal.
7. Subtle conspiracy hints suggesting that Starbucks does indeed hate Christmas:
The clues have been there for years, we just keep missing them. Have you ever seen a character in "Love Actually," recently dubbed a timeless holiday classic, holding a Starbucks cup? I didn’t think so. That only goes to show that Starbucks does not support the smiles and cheer that each character exudes as they sip coffee that they probably made themselves.
8. Clay animation:
The only thing keeping us from having a Christmas just like the one in the movies we so dearly cherish is that we are not clay figurines and our lives function outside the limits of stop-motion animation. No wonder the holidays have begun to feel so bleak. If only we were made out of clay.
