Everyone has their own definition of toxic and their own opinions about what is and isn't considered toxic. The dictionary defines toxic as poisonous. And being in a controlling and unhealthy relationship is poisonous to a persons mindset, heart and soul.
I was in a toxic relationship and it completely ruined me. It ruined me to the point where I'm still so sure unsure about myself in more ways than one.
Before entering into this relationship, I was happy, healthy and had a bright future in front of me. All this came crashing down when I didn't see any of the warning signs that I needed out and made excuses for the one that I did see.
Right from the get go, I was being controlled and I didn't even see it. I was being told what I could and couldn't do, wear, post on my social media pages, etc. I was told I can't be friends with certain people, I can't hangout with my friends, I can't follow certain people on my own social media pages and so much more, because if I really loved my boyfriend at the time I would do whatever it to keep him happy.
I was guilt tricked into handing over my phone password, because if I had nothing to hide then it shouldn't have been a problem and when I didn't hand it over, he would accuse me of cheating and say that I was lying to him. So to prove I was innocent I gave him my passwords.
I did whatever he wanted me to do to keep him happy. I thought his happiness was more important than my own. While I was constantly making sure he was happy 100% of the time, I forgot to make sure I was happy too.
I mean, I thought I was at the time. I can remember him telling me that making sure your partner is happy should make you happy, and I foolishly believed it. Don't get me wrong, seeing the person you're with happy is a great feeling, but when it's forced it's not a good thing.
I was forced into doing things that I didn't want to do. I was forced to drop whatever I was doing to be with him. That even meant skipping classes to hangout with him.
Doing this I let my grade drops and ended up taking time out of school just so I could be with him more. Because God forbid I hug some random guy in the quad with a free hug sign.. *eye rolls*
I was forced to base my entire schedule around him and his schedule. I had no time for my friends and I ended up losing a bunch. I was being told that he was the one I was going home to at the end of the day not my friends, so once again I foolishly believed and lost a lot of good friendships, some to the point that I can't even get back.
I was seeing his friends and family more than my own. He never wanted to see them and said terrible things about them so much that i started to believe him.
I felt like I had this huge weight on my shoulders the entire time I was with him. I was always walking on my toes being careful not to trigger him and be told I was the cause of another fight. And when you're in a toxic relationship fights aren't just having a disagreement.
It's screaming at the top of our lungs. It's being thrown out of the car and being left at a restaurant all alone at night, (on my birthday not to mention). It's being thrown out of the car and having to walk home from the top of his street to my house. It's being trapped in a corner of his room with him hovering over me so I can't leave.
It's walls being punched and objects being thrown. It gets scary and it gets scary fast and they all end the same way, with me in tears and him telling me it's all my fault, and me foolishly apologizing.
Not only was all of that going on but, I felt like I was being used for sex and whenever I said no, it would turn into another huge verbal fight. LET ME TELL YOU ALL THIS NO MEANS NO AND I DON'T NEED A REASON AS TO WHY I SAID NO!! I
If your partner asks you what are the chance of us having sex today multiple times a day, THEY DON'T LOVE YOU. If they get mad when you don't want to send inappropriate pictures, THEY DON'T LOVE YOU. If the first thing your partner does is ask what kind of underwear you're wearing that day, THEY DON'T LOVE YOU.
I was too afraid to voice my opinion about anything or stand up for myself because somehow in the end I was being tricked into thinking I was the person in the wrong.
I was forced into being his slave pretty much. Always cleaning up after him. Always stopping to cater to his every needs. "Get me Dunkin on the way here", "I need this for my video games" "Rub my back" "Wash my work clothes." I mean, I could go on forever but I think you get the point.
I ended up being miserable all the time. I could never have a moment where I was happy because he would always have something to say to tear me down. I couldn't even talk about things that I was excited for because, "it's dumb" or "no one else cared besides me".
Being miserable with him, I pushed myself back into depression and let myself go completely. I stopped eating and when I did eat I was binge eating junk food, I stopped doing my makeup and my hair was always in a messy bun, I lived in sweatpants and had almost no sleep every night.
I went from being healthy to being beyond unhealthy. But yet I foolishly stayed with him, because just when I was on the verge of leaving, he started acting nice and once again I fell for it, every single time.
How could I leave when he promised you that he's going to act right and that he's so sorry and that he's going to make things right and has some sort of reason for him acting the way he was? How can you leave just the he starts to "change" and that it was dumb to leave after all we've been through? I believed him and his empty promises time after time, only to get my hopes up and to be left broken once again.
Now we've been officially done for a while now and I couldn't be happier that I'm out of that toxic mess. But now I'm still left with the aftermath. I still don't talk about things that I'm excited for because I'm worried somebody's going to shoot me down.
I don't voice my opinion as often as I should. I'm still not eating the healthiest. But thankfully I am I eating somewhat healthier. I'm back in school and I've regained some of those lost friendships and made more.
But what I'm most thankful for is that I'm happy with the way my life is going. I'm thankful that I'm in control of my life. I'm especially thankful for knowing what to look out for, knowing when to get out of a relationship and when enough is enough.