When I lost the person that I thought was my soul mate, it was truly devastating. Not just because I no longer had a significant other, but because I was losing so much more than that. I was losing a best friend too.

I learned a few things when I lost you. I learned how much a “breakup” could really hurt me, in every aspect. I was scared emotionally to ever feel that way again, I was scared mentally to trust anyone, I didn’t want to eat, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to talk about it or you, and I didn’t want to do anything except cry and internalize everything.

When I lost you I realized that sometimes you really do need to trust and rely on your friends and family to help you, even if needing help isn’t what you’re used to.

Good things can come from the heartache too. Like becoming even closer with your friends and family by sharing the pain with them. Letting people in, into your head, isn’t always bad, it doesn’t always have to be scary. It just all depends on who you’re letting in…and that is where the trouble lies.

Sometimes, even if you don’t want to admit it, your friends and family can see what you don’t see. They can sometimes tell someone’s true intentions or true self. Trust me, it happens. Then you end up sitting there after the fact, thinking about all of the times they warned you and all of the times you defended him. But of course, saying I told you so never does any good. There is no need to rub dirt in an already existing wound.

I learned that you were never who I thought you were. It was a nice mask you wore, for a while. But you couldn’t hide behind it forever, or hold it back. You were never the man I fell in love with, it’s just who you were pretending to be. And once I ripped off the thin mask to your self underneath, I didn’t like him at all. That monster was strange to me, foreign. He had teeth as sharp as daggers, which were just as piercing as the words he fed to me, breaking down my self esteem.

I learned that I had to take some blame in the abuse. I allowed you to make me feel that way. I allowed you to stay in my world, when all you did was try to stop it from turning. I made excuses for you, cried for you and to you, took the abuse with nothing but a word…”why?” That was the one question I always had and the one you could never answer. The one I still cannot answer, but I have accepted that I will never know. Because the truth is, I honestly don’t think you even know.

You showed me that sometimes the person you truly love and claims to truly love you, doesn’t always really love you. That the person you most desperately want to be your forever and future husband, can’t and shouldn’t always be. Life has a weird way of working out. I was a disaster after losing you. I swore I’d never love again. I honestly thought I lost the one person I’d ever see myself marrying and see a future with, but life knew something that I didn’t know at the time. It wasn’t meant to be. That person wasn’t you, but I wanted you to be and I sure as hell thought you were.

Sometimes, unfortunately, life sees what you don’t see. And because you don’t see it, you’re in pain. You’re laying there, in the dark crying hysterically, asking yourself why the universe would do this to you. Darling, it’s for the best. If it was meant to be it would be.

Of course now I look back and see how wrong you were for me, how awful you were. I see how I deserve so much better. That’s another good thing that came out of this. After a long time on my own..looking back, I’m able to realize and recognize all the bad things, all the bad signs. I know I’ll never take anyone abusing me again. I’ll never let someone make me feel inferior or like I’m worthless. I know what not to do, and I know what to look for now in order to know if a relationship is unhealthy.

I learned that some people really are just bad, awful people. Some people are malicious, mean, manipulative, abusive and controlling. Some people really do just use people, like you used me, like you use everyone. You saw how far you could hurt me, push me until I cracked. And then once I was too far damaged to be patched up with anything less but years of therapy, you abandoned me. You're truly excellent at the trade you have chosen. You sucked me dry, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Thank God I lost you. It was a blessing in disguise, or at least disguised to me. It might have been obvious to others, but I truly was hurting when I lost you. But if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I wouldn’t be closer to my friends and family. I wouldn’t have the man I have now, or the self esteem I have now. I wouldn’t be mentally or emotionally healthy and I most definitely would not be happy. It took a long time to get over you, but I did. I’ll never forget what you did to me. Being awful to me and abusive, those are just facts. But you no longer control the voice in my head, telling me everything I do wrong and all the things I hate about myself. I truly am happy and I really do love myself. I never did before, and to be completely fair that wasn’t always your fault, but you had a lot to do with it.

I learned that I’m so much stronger than I ever thought I was. So thank you for that very valuable lesson.