"You are not good enough" "Stop trying" "Quit your dreams" "You will never make anything out of yourself" It's not rare to have these various insults thrown at us. But from who? The really mean bully who just won't leave you alone? The one you hear about in movies and books? No. It's coming from you. From your own worst enemy. The one who they don't write books and make movies out of; rather, they pretend your bully comes in the form of another human being. But they were all wrong. Everyone knows that the person throwing you back down on the ground isn't some mean kid who isn't loved and is two times your size (the cliche, overused bully story). The bully is you.
The one who loves to doubt every choice you make. Doubt every dream and hope you have. It's you. We hate to admit that our enemy doesn't come in a physical form. It comes alive in our every thought and feeds off our faith. As soon as we get a glimpse of something we want or believe in, our doubt comes walking it, taking it away from our grasp. And no matter how tight you hold on to it, it somehow manages to take control. Our self-doubt takes control of us. It makes it feel like we are dressed in disguise. Like we have to hide our dreams and hopes because somehow we don't cut it. We aren't enough. And we feel like everyone else can see that, so who are we going to fool?
Personally, I experience self-doubt in every form. I have my hopes and my dreams, but something keeps me from chasing them. Something eats at me whenever I think I am happy or deserving of anything. I have this constant feeling inside of me that makes me feel like every choice I make is wrong. Like wanting to go to medical school and being a doctor are far out of my reach. Sometimes I am afraid to tell people of where I would like to see myself in 10 years because I feel like they will doubt me. I feel as though they will say to my face, "Oh, that's awesome" but thoughts of doubt will linger in their mind, like "Yeah right." I also am doubtful when telling people I am pre-med because automatically they look at me with eyes that speak for themselves. Eyes that remind my own doubt that it needs to wake up and tell me I can't do it. My doubt does this to me. It also makes me feel like I won't ever be happy with myself or good enough. I feel this self-doubt in every bone in my body, and it's hard to get away. It has become a part of me. I have high hopes and I have strong faith, but sometimes this doubt living inside of me tears them down. This doubt loves to doubt my friendships and my beliefs. I often think to myself, "Am I really that important to that person?" or, "They would be better off without me," and sometimes it makes me doubt my God.
Which bothers me the most about this self-doubt. It doesn't doubt his existence because I know my God is real. But, it does make me doubt his plan. This doubt loves to make me think that my plans were better than His. Like I had it all figured out, just for it to all get messed up. I get angry and upset, because I remind myself of how unworthy I am of His love. I remind myself that I am not perfect and that I have made mistakes (and I will continue to make them), but sometimes this voice in my head says that I am not enough.
We keep things to ourselves because we are certain they are too good to be true. We are sure of the fact that if something good comes by, it is going to vanish. We never let ourselves truly be happy, because there's a little voice saying "Are you sure?" It is just waiting to catch you when you are vulnerable, so it can make you think that you don't deserve to be happy. This self-doubt has made a home in your head, and it's cozy up there. It loves you, but you, obviously, don't love it.
As much as I wish I wasn't saying this, doubt is normal. It is normal to doubt your big dreams and yourself. But only as long as you remember that, that is all that it is. This doubt that you feel is just a bunch of scattered thoughts coming from parts of you that simply don't know all of you. Your doubt doesn't make you who you are, and it doesn't know what you're capable of because it is simple thoughts. And you are anything but simple. You are a person with more to offer than you know. And I believe you were made with purpose. If you want to travel the world, then do it. Don't think of all the things that could go wrong or how you won't survive out there because you will. You will survive, and every choice you make should be done with conviction.
There are ways to overcome your self doubt. I, obviously, don't know everything. But as I said before, I experience self-doubt more than I would like to admit. Every morning, practically every thought and every night before bed. I doubt my dreams and my capabilities, but somehow I am where I am and I am proud. I have overcome a lot of things, but mostly myself. I have overcome my own detrimental thoughts. I have told myself time and time again that I am not enough. That my body isn't good enough, my intelligence and my faith. But another part of me knows the truth. And the truth is, we are more than any of those things. We are valuable. We are important. When those thoughts of self-doubt begin to eat at you, remember that you were made for a reason. I have to keep reminding myself that my own self-doubt and the doubt I am afraid other people have of me is not as real as it feels. Doubt is an illusion, and I keep giving it power to feel like more.
There is no one on Earth like you. Well, maybe there is, I mean there are a lot of us. But exactly like you? Probably not. So, somehow everything aligned, and you were made. You were made as a combination of doubt and faith, and of fear and courage. We would not know courage or faith without fear and doubt. But do not let it consume you. Remind yourself that you are more. At the end of the day, remember that your doubt won't be stronger than your faith. Your faith in yourself, in your dreams and in whatever else you believe in.
"Don't dig up in doubt what you have planted in faith." - Elisabeth Elliot
Love,
A girl constantly seeking freedom from her doubt.
