I’m the type of person who cries at the smallest things. I cry ugly tears with a contorted face and violent sobs when I’m sad. I cry with red splotches spread across my face when I’m angry. I cry with tiny little teardrops streaking my cheeks when I’m in class and get an answer wrong. I cry with big, fat tears rolling down my face when listening to someone else express their emotions. My eyes watered when I was at Disney World and watched Tigger take a blind girl’s hands and ran them over his costume, letting her feel the softness and warmth of it. I downright bawled when the girl had a huge smile spread across her face as she squealed with happiness.
I cry a lot. I’ve had people take one look at me and guess that I’m a sensitive person. I’m okay with that... Or so I thought.
I may cry a lot, but I am also constantly laughing. I laugh when I’m nervous, I laugh when I’m happy and I just laugh a lot in general.
I’ve always wondered why I laugh and cry so much until my mom said something that’s always stuck with me. She described me as an emotional sponge; I see the people around me and soak up all of their emotions. If someone is extremely happy, I’m also extremely happy. If someone is depressed, I become depressed too. If someone is angry, I reflect their anger. I easily absorb everyone else’s emotions.
The other day I got angry at this fact. It’s so exhausting to be carrying everyone else’s feelings. It’s like my brain thinks that if I soak up someone else’s negative emotions, they’ll be happy. However, the world doesn’t work like that. Instead of healing them, we just end up with two super depressed people crying their eyes out. I was so angry; why do I have to feel these things too? Why am I like this? Why do I feel this need to help? Why can’t I just mind my own damn business?
I also realized that by taking up all these extra emotions, I’ve been pushing my own away. It’s like when you pull a number and wait your turn in the pharmacy line. I’m making my emotions pull a number and wait their turn while I deal with someone else’s problems. My emotions are in the 1000s while I’m still working on patient number 6. Now, what happens when you pull a number and it's a high one? You usually wait until you just can’t handle it anymore and consider leaving. But no, you’ve already waited for what seems like an eternity, so what’s a little while longer? My emotions are at this point. Unfortunately, the negative feelings don’t just get up and leave. Sometimes those positive emotions are the ones to escape, or they get frustrated for being made to wait so long to be felt and all you’re left with is a bunch of angry, negative emotions waiting their turn. So, waiting to feel any emotion of my own for the sake of others' emotions makes me an emotional mess, get it?
I have realized that I can’t just absorb someone else’s emotions like a sponge, and so I’ve basically kicked them all out of the line. I have finally reached the 1000s and now I have to confront my annoyed patients. So here I am with a bunch of ticked off emotions and thoughts that just want to be confronted already. Awesome.
But now, I feel like that device keeping track of what number I'm on just broke and everyone lost their slip of paper for some reason. So now everyone wants it to be their turn and I'm overwhelmed because I have no idea how to put this all back in order. Then, the pharmacy (aka my brain) just randomly bursts into flames. Now I'm on fire. My emotions are on fire. Everything is on fire! And then the fire station is like 1,766 miles away and is like, "Well...I can come if you want." But guess what, fire dudes? You're 1,766 miles away and now I think I'm inconveniencing you, so I say, "Oh don't worry, I got this." When really, I don't have this! I'm on fire! Wonderful!
So yes, my mind has been kind of hectic lately. While I wish I had some advice like usual on how to make everything better, I don't. I'm a fighter, so I know I can get through this. What troubles me is the fact that I have to get through it in the first place.
So, if you feel like your brain is on fire, I feel you. Know there's hope and that fire can be put out...eventually. Now, let's try to put out that fire. I'm here with you.
