I have been living with clinical depression and anxiety for about 9 years now, although I was not diagnosed and placed on medication until I was in high school and final sought out help and support. All throughout high school, it was a struggle, but manageable. Living with my parents made it so that there was always someone there who was making sure that I was holding true to all of my commitments, attending school consistently, as well as getting out for extra-curricular's, work, and spending time with my friends. Having that support helped me to thrive in high school, having a very healthy social life, as well as graduating as a state honors scholar. However, everything changed when I started my freshman year of college.
I knew that going to college would be an adjustment, I knew that I would be meeting new people and it may take a while to find my own rhythm when it came to managing my days. What I didn't know though, is how my depression would pull me down lower than I had ever been. There are a lot of people who may not really understand what living with depression is like, especially in regards to younger people, writing it off as being "lazy" or "just sad". So what does having depression in college really mean? Let's take a look.
Having depression college means missing entire days of classes because you can't bring yourself to get out of bed. It's not that you don't want to, because if it was that easy then you would have been up 2 hours early, showered, eating breakfast, and getting some studying in before class. However there is a weight on you that you can't seem to shake, on that makes it seem as though you are filled with cement and that getting out of bed is the hardest thing that anyone could ever have to do, and really, what's one day of missed classes really? Except it keeps happening. You will day after day of classes. Maybe not one after another, but spread throughout the semester which adds up fast.
Having depression in college means staring at the make-up work that you have from all of those classes that you missed, as well as the current coursework and not being able to fathom getting any of it done. Validating not doing it by saying to yourself "Well, I mean, it's not like I am worth anything anyways so why bother trying to get a good education? It won't make me any more worthwhile." and putting it to the side so that you can sleep for another 12 hours.
Having depression in college means missing meals. This is in part to you not having an appetite, and in part to knowing that if you go to the dining hall you will have to see people who say that they're your friends but you are pretty sure secretly hate you because who on earth would want to be friends with you? It's better to just eat a pop-tart in bed and avoid the situation all together.
Having depression in college means being told that you need to see a school counselor or you will no longer be able to live in on-campus housing. It means forgetting to take your medication for days in a row. It means feeling so low because everything is on you and it is all just too much for you to handle and oh how you wish that you could go back to high school when you didn't have to worry about anything but listening to your parents.
But having depression in college also means that you are surrounded by people, many of who understand what you're going through. It means that you're not alone, because there are support systems that you college has to help you. It means having friends who understand that if they haven't heard from you in a while it isn't that you don't care about them or that you don't want to see them, it's just that you need to be alone for a bit. It also means having friends who will bring you ice cream from the cafe while you're under a pile of blankets and just sit with you while you eat it so that you know that they care and you're not alone.
Having depression in college means that you are a college student, who just happens to have depression. That you are going to have to push yourself just a little harder than some other people do. It means that you are strong enough to start a whole new chapter of your life, knowing that it will be hard but doing it anyways. It means that you are strong, and resilient, and more than the bad days. It means that you are magnificent.
